How to make a hit record and get mega rich!

I was in a garage being taken for a ride (excuse the pun) when I heard a song come on the radio. It was a song that I am unfortunately familiar with now as are much of the world and it appears to have taken the world by storm.

Calm down Liam!

The song I’m referring to is this:

Yes, Gagnam Style by a Korean bloke called Psy.
I’ve watched the video and I must admit it’s very entertaining and funny to watch so I can understand that it’s done so well.

But of course, that is watching it which is much different to just listening to it. With the lack of visuals you are concentrating solely on the audio which is what people have paid for. So they can play it and listen to it over and over and over again.

But let’s not forget that this is a Korean song with mostly Korean lyrics and I’m probably right in thinking that the majority of people don’t speak Korean.

So I started to think about what is the formula for a pop song that could potentially make me a multi millionaire.

So here goes.

1) It hasn’t got to be very good.

Of course, it’s subjective and it’s only my opinion but come on, it’s hardly Lennon, Mcartney or Dillon is it? There’s hardly any lyrical heartfelt deep and emotional lyrical genius is there? Well not to the non Korean ear anyway. Who knows, this could be the Korean version of Alleluiah!

So for me, with my creation, there’s not really much pressure.

2) Repetitive bass and plenty of synths and electronic sounds

Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom dah dadah dah dah dadah Da dah dah Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom …..You get the point.

Fortunately I know someone with a classic Casio keyboard from the early 80’s.

The same bloke also has a repertoire of 4 chords and has a classic sound programme on his top of the range computer. I actually have a picture of his set up below.

Watch out Timberland!

3) Clearly people don’t really give a shit about the words

How can they when it’s in Korean most of the time?

Rinky dinky, slinky pinky wrinkly woo

Nunie ja jajabab biddly biddly boo boo

The first two lines of my number 1 single that’s coming out. It’s complete gibberish but clearly people don’t care if they can’t understand it. Please understand I’m not intending to be disrespectful to the Korean language but the fact is that for anyone who doesn’t understand the lingo, it may as well be gibberish.

4) It is important to have something in English however, so that people can sing along.

Gagnam style has, “Heeeeyyyyyy Sexy Lady”

Or the choral “Hey! Hey!” Oh it sounds so jovial…………bah!
In my song I’m going to go with something a bit more classy than Psy’s choice of words.

“Ooooooooh check yo’ sweet ass!”

As for the choral bit, I’m going to draw upon my youth and remembering the classic Saturday TV show from my childhood, Gladiators. There was an amazing chant by the tv presenter and ex footballer John Fashnu. It used to send the crowd into a frenzy. It was amazing. The power of this jubilant cry of celebration. Words cannot express this enough. I’m just not articulate enough so it’s probably best you watch it.


Yes…..Awooga!

So just imagine the repetitive Boom Boom Boom of the bass, some electronic sounds from the spectrum and casio keyboard with some “Ooooooh Check yo’ sweet ass!”

Followed by some dogs barking and then…. “Awooga, Awooga!”

This has got hit written all over it!

5) Have a unique dance move!

Michael Jackson. Now that guy could dance. He could bust some moves and was cooler than an Eskimo in a pair of speedos.

To think of my dance move that will be copied all over the world! This has proved very difficult because, well, the moonwalk has already been done.

What has Psy done? Well he’s taken the “Ride a pretend horse and pretend to lasso” thing. It will no doubt be annoying me for years to come at weddings and other discos. Probably after the Abba medley. Urgh! There’ll be people of all ages running around the dance floor looking like they’re pretending to ride a horse and wave a lasso over their heads. All smiling and laughing having a good old time. “Ooh look at Aunty Ivy over there doing the Gagnam Style. She’s good considering she had a hip replacement 3 weeks ago!”

I decided to base my unique dance move or “UDM” for those in the know on a mode of transport myself.

I can see it now at wedding receptions and family parties up and down the land. Everyone sitting on the floor in pairs and peddling in time with the casio and spectrum enduced rhythm of my song.

But what about the arms? I hear you cry.

To raise a middle finger to the bollocks that is Gagnam style and in memory of my Native American ancestory, the upper half of the body is going to fire imaginary arrows. It doesn’t make sense but IT DOESN’T HAVE TO!

Picture that if you will. I imagine it may even be the first dance for some newly weds!

Now remember, Ooooooh Check yo’ sweet ass! Woof Woof Woof…..Awoooga, Awooga!

Now the final thing is the name. What else but Grumpy Style of course!

I’d better get to work on this and the next time I blog, It’ll be from my great big bloody bastard of a Yacht in the Bahamas!

But for now I’m off out to a karaoke bar to practice my Korean.

Goodnight!

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