Get a Grip!!!


Not quite that bad.

It’s snowed the past three days and the whole of the UK, it would seem, is in a panic. Treacherous conditions causing widespread chaos report the news. Bread deliveries are not being done, people are slipping over, cars are getting stuck. There are shortages of grit. Fuel bills are going to go through the roof! Old people will die! For the love of God what are we going to do?

Why is there such a panic? This is the season of winter. Isn’t that what it’s all about?

Let’s be real about this. In the UK we are renowned for having shit weather. You don’t have people in other countries popping into their local travel agents and say, “You know Mr Travel Agent, I’ve been saving up for a few months, I’ve got a wedge of cash in my pocket and I’m going to treat myself to a luxurious exotic holiday. I want all inclusive, with golden sands, constant sunshine, party atmosphere and cocktails in the pool. I want no expense spared. I want a taste of paradise!” to which the travel agent says, “Have you considered Clacton-On-Sea in England?”


It just doesn’t happen. Everyone in the world knows the weather in England and the rest of the UK is crap. So do we! We moan about it enough. “Oooh it’s too cold,” in Winter. “Ooooh it’s too hot and there’s a hosepipe ban,” During the two weeks of sunshine we get mid-summer.

There used to be a TV show called, Wish You Were Here and the main host was a woman called Judith Chalmers.


There she is. She always went to the best destinations although the sun took it’s toll. The picture above for example, she’s 23.

But at the end of the show she used to exert her authority by announcing who would be going where in next weeks show. It was always lower ranking presenters, Monty Don, being one that springs to mind who always went on the shit holidays. They were usually in Britain. Meanwhile Judith kept topping up her tan.

“Next week, Chris Akabusi will be going on a surfing course in Cornwall; Monty Don will be following the belly button fluff tour of Norwich; and I will be in Barbados sampling the delights of an all inclusive 5 star private, child free, beach resort!”


“Next week, Sue Pollard will be sampling the many vineyards of Southern France; Monty Don will be having a relaxing week with a metal detector on the Yorkshire Moors; and I will be enjoying a cruise around the Caribbean for two weeks!”

We’ve probably got other countries laughing at us because they deal with weather conditions 100 times worse than us and still manage to live normal existence’s. How embarrassing. 4 Inches of snow and the UK comes to a standstill. I was searching for images on Google and I typed in “Severe snow.” Look what I found:

ImageSo severe that two middle aged Doreen’s can go jogging in it. And there’s a fat bloke! At work, I witnessed a fat man getting out of breath just getting into a lift! I’m pretty sure that a fat man would not be able to go out in severe snow. I hope this gives you a context of how the British media view severe snow.

What I can’t understand is why we aren’t better prepared. Why haven’t they prepared with more grit? Why haven’t they got the gritters out with snow ploughs on the fronts? Why didn’t they know this would happen? We have the Met office for crying out loud!

It’s not even as though it’s that much snow. Ok so it’s above my ankle. But my Parents and Grand Parents used to talk of snow up to their waist and ice on the insides of windows. None of this double glazed jazz and central heating. God we’ve become such wimps these days when what we’re dealing with 60 years ago would have been classed as a mild winter. Get a grip! If you excuse the pun.

manly man

So we’ve also got the elderly laughing at us because they dealt with so much worse than this. But is it any wonder that we’re a bunch of wimps these days? We’ve become so lazy. It dawned on me as I was brushing my teeth with my electric toothbrush. Hold on, I thought, this electric toothbrush is actually just facilitating my need to move my arm up and down and back and forth. Am I that lazy?

One of many things I’m sure you could think of to demonstrate how we’ve made something easier but is also a little bit lazy. Remote controls, texting instead of talking, facebooking instead of socialising and microwave meals to name a few. We are becoming a lazy race of people. So much so that a little bit of snow and therefore a little bit of concerted effort required, seems like a crazy notion worthy of negative media attention.

It’s not all doom and gloom. Look, here’s a snow penis!

Below is a fantastic clip of Charlie Brooker’s satirical view of the news coverage which sums it all up. It’s 3 years old but still very relevant.


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