Of course I’m talking about tears. Tears of frustration and despair.
Why? Let me explain.
I’m sitting, minding my own business, listening to radio 4 when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I’m well into the throws of Woman’s hour listening to a wonderful article about artichokes but alas someone needs me! My attention is diverted.
But when I reach into my pocket and pull my phone out, I find that no-one has called and no-one has sent me a text. But I’m adamant I felt my phone vibrate.
This isn’t the first time this has happened and no doubt, it won’t be the last.
You see, I have fallen victim yet again to the phenomena known as the Phantom Vibrate. I’m not alone in experiencing this mysterious unexplained paranormal activity. I know others who have sworn that they have felt their phone vibrate only to find that contrary to their expectations, nobody wants to talk to them and nobody wants to send them a message. Again hi-lighting that they, in fact, have no friends. Sad, sad times.
It is only experienced as far as I’m aware when the phone is left within the pocket. Why this happens, I just don’t know. I wish I did. I could free many from the nights of sleep depravation, lying wide awake searching deep within the shallow recesses of their minds trying to fathom what strange force is at work here.
I wonder if this is not limited to the vibrate function. I recall many times when I had my first nokia 5110, back in the day which didn’t vibrate, but there were times when I could swear I could hear the phone ringing even though it was a snazzy ring tone that I had composed myself. It really was unique and pretty jazzy let me tell you. I was just unfortunate not to be within the presence of a record producer when someone called me. Otherwise I could have been bloody minted and the pioneer of a new musical craze. But it doesn’t matter because the 40 minutes of hard creativity invested in the creation of such a dynamic, ahead of it’s time, masterpiece made me the talking point of friends, family and strangers alike who happened to be in earshot whenever someone rang me. I used to let it ring for a bit longer just to make sure they heard the electronic tones clearly composed by a musical genius, emanating from my pocket. “Wow, that sounds hip! Where the hell can I buy that futuristic sound?” they used to seem to shout, with their eyes.
So to go back on point, I used to endure the phantom ringtone, positively sure that I heard my phone ringing. Why was this?
I wonder if before there were phones, if people used to endure the Phantom Postman thinking there was a letter being posted when in fact there was nothing. Their joy dissipating as they run to the front door hoping that someone, somewhere wanted to write to them, only to find that strangely enough, the postman hadn’t been and their door mat lay empty. No envelope sealed with a glue that had been saturated by a friends saliva. (Text messaging is so much better for the germophobe.) No illegible handwriting to try to decipher. Nothing. Again only hi-lighting that they had no friends and helping to drive them into a depression.
I wonder if there used to be Phantom Smoke Signals in the American Midwest between American Indian tribes. Little Fat Fingers would turn to his friend Running Bottom and say, “Hey look! There’s a message from the west!” But when they both looked, it turned out to be just a cloud. Little Fat Fingers ridiculed by Running Bottom, ostracised from the tribe because of his error and left to feel alienated and a failure, would later leave the tribe and travel alone until he met Kevin Costner.
If anyone has any ideas about the Phantom Vibrate, please feel free to leave a message. Your words of support, theories, experiences can really help those who before reading this felt that they were on their own. Victims of this phenomenon need to come together, know that they are supported and more than anything else, know that they are not alone.