Loving Animals

I was in the work canteen and I happened to be flicking through an old Metro newspaper. Within a few pages I had discovered how much people love animals. I had never realised to what extent people would go to for animals.

Take page three for example. In some British newspapers it’s not unusual to see a lovely pair of puppies but not in the Metro. Instead we are faced with this.


Ok not an animal. A fish. A disabled fish. A fish that couldn’t swim properly so it’s ingenious owner created a buoyancy aid for it. Not to be confused with Beyonce aid. That would be something completely different.


Voted as one of the sexiest women on the planet and we can see why. Nice pic. Flattering.

Back to the fish. As I saw the pictures of this little fish that would normally struggle in the real world, thanks to it’s owner, it has a chance to have a semi- normal life. I thought how nice it was that a human intervention with nature was to aid it rather than hinder it. I felt warm inside. Perhaps even a little tingly. So many times we see how humans are destroying the natural way of things in a negative, harmful, destructive way. But on this occasion, a fish bound by disability had been given it’s freedom back. Well, freedom to haplessly bob about a small, confined, unnatural glass box with a plastic miniature treasure chest at the bottom of the tank and house mates that in the natural world you probably wouldn’t really be socialising with. All of whom are staring at you and calling you a freak behind your back because you’ve got some strange contraption around you, kind of like the first kid at school to get a brace.

Because of the short memory, the surprise and therefore the novelty, never wears off. Thanks to his owner, he can now kind of swim, but he will always be constantly bullied….. I imagine.

Then as I turned a couple of more pages I came across this.


Richard Clayderman, the guy who used to look longingly into the camera to show his incredible blue eyes and glistening blond hair as he played the piano during the 80’s used to be the fantasy of many a woman aged 40+. The classy pin-up choice. Here he is playing to a pair of tortoises in the hope that they will feel all romantic and the passion would stir along the meandering and flowing sounds of Richard Claydermans piano.

Look at the picture. Richard is there looking into the distance again. Looking longingly at something with his incredible blue eyes. Perhaps there’s a 60 year old with a camera phone pointing his way. He can’t help it. If there’s a lens be it photography, film, cctv, he has to look longingly, seducing the camera.

Look at this for example:


See? And this:


Told you. One more:

Richard Clayderman

Oh dear. Well at least we know who played the emperor in Star Wars episode 6 now. And who is that in the background? Flattering. Taking tips off Beyonce.

But back to the tortoises. Getting a classical musician in to play music to tortoises in the hope it would make them amorous. Isn’t that a bit weird?

It didn’t work. But what if it did. Richard would be there playing some fantastic stirring piece of music whilst one tortoise looks at the other, licks it’s lips, gives it a wink and the next thing you know, Richard’s amazing blue eyes are drawn away from the camera lens to the sight of a pair of tortoises hopping on the good foot and doing the bad thing. Would he continue playing? Would he be put off by this? Perhaps he’d be over the moon.

clayderman joy

Yes! Intercourse!!!

If you ask me, there’s only one man who could really make the magic happen.


Yeah you know it.

So we have someone who basically created arm bands for a fish. A zoo that got a world class, classical musician and a piano in to try to encourage a pair of tortoises to get freaky naughty and then finally I came across this.


In the UK traces of horse meat have been found in various burgers and other “beef” products. There’s been uproar. In the UK we don’t eat horse. Well, not intentionally anyway.

Firstly I just want to hi-light the bullshit that the media portray. Lasagne 100% horse? I don’t think so. What about the cheese, the pasta sheets and the sauce? I think it’s bad when you’re being told you’re eating one thing but actually it’s something else. If I ordered a strawberry milkshake and I got banana but was told it was strawberry I would most probably kick off and become nothing short of a one man riot!

But every cloud has a silver lining and I think we need to take the positives from this. Hey, we as a nation have expanded our palette. If I’m in France and I see horse on the menu, I’ll no longer be thinking of the Black Beauty theme tune, I’ll be thinking, “It just tastes like beef! Thanks Tesco / Iceland / Findus!”

So people love animals. So much so they will help the disabled ones, help them to shag and of course, eat them.

In closing, let me leave you with this. Makes me feel hungry watching this.


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