I have a snoring problem. Nothing major. It’s not really a snore. More of a click.
A click from right at the back of the throat. If you were to re-inact a snore, go on, that’s it. Inhale and let that rolling snore out from the back of your throat. Well if you you just do the very first sound of the snore and the very first sound alone, then that is the click to which I refer.
I didn’t know I had a click problem. I was asleep when it first happened. It was only the feeling of a sudden shove, a loud sigh and expletive being aired or the sound and feeling of knuckle on bone and the sharp throbbing from the back of my head, all courtesy of a sleep deprived Mrs Grump, that brought to my attention that there may be some issues when I sleep.
I needed to find a solution. It wouldn’t be right for Mrs Grump and I to sleep apart and besides, I know Mrs Grump wouldn’t find the sofa comfortable.
So I decided to try those nasal strips. They are meant to stop snoring. First endorsed in the 1990s by Premiership footballer Robbie Fowler who used to be seen with the familiar strip across his nose during matches and it can be firmly documented that Robbie Fowler did not snore at any point during those games.
They are not the cheapest but when I first bought a box of 10 and tried one I was amazed at how my nasal passages felt like they were being opened up. A small family of tribe folk could take residence within one of my nostrils they were so suddenly cave like. My body almost went into shock with how much more I could breathe and that first night, I slept like a baby.
The nasal strip had worked. I had slept, Mrs Grump had slept and more to the point, I would not be going into work with fresh bruises the next day. There’s only so many times you can get away with saying that you take part in an unlicensed and dangerous fight club in your spare time at a Tesco car park before people question the validity of your story. Perhaps I shouldn’t have mentioned that I was undefeated and almost killed a man in a winner stays on battle within a cage built of shopping trolleys. When lying it is important to tone down the artistic license of your story.
So that was sorted, the nasal strips worked. Problem solved. Kind of. Lets just say that sometimes, I still do click. But only every now and again. But now I’m worried that if I don’t use the strips, what started as clicks will be unrestrained and I’ll be full on snoring! I might be forced to have the little punch bag at the back of my throat cut out!
Every month when my supply is low, I order more on line and hope that they arrive before the current supply is gone. Last week I found that my supply was nothing short of CRITICAL. Just before bed I jump onto the Amazon app on my phone and make an order. Luckily I found some that were a bit cheaper than the others. That was a bonus and then I was able to feel good about my purchase as I settled down for a click free, pain free night.
They were delivered in the nick of time as my previous supply had ended the night before.
As I got ready for bed and followed the usual pre-bed routine I reached up onto the shelf and grabbed the new unopened box of nasal strips. It was when I retrieved a nasal strip from the box when I realised that something was wrong.
You see, I didn’t pull out a nasal strip. I appeared to have pulled out a rear spoiler for a formula one car. It was huge. I could have pulled off the tabs to reveal the adhesive side, stuck it to my back, jumped off a cliff and happily glide to safety. Sure enough, I hadn’t noticed when it was delivered that the box had the word “Large” written on it. I had also failed to notice that I had actually ordered large nasal strips when I placed the order.
Lenny Henry is a well known Black British comedian. I use the term, “comedian,” loosely. He is from the very same area that Grumpy towers is based in the Miami of the West Midlands, Dudley. I believe he may have even been given freedom to the town, although, I don’t really know what that means. He was recently quoted in the media talking about his large nose. Let me tell you. These nasal strips would dwarf Lenny’s nose.
So I now have nasal strips that are far too big for me. How can I get rid of them. I hate waste. I can’t throw things away that haven’t been used and buy more. I’m far too tight! But I can’t even give them away. How am I supposed to approach someone who I know with a large nose and say, “I don’t suppose you have a snoring problem do you? Only I bought these large nasal strips that are far too big for me and as you have a humungous shnozzle I thought you might make use of them.” My kindness could be the killing blow to that friendship.
Even colleagues at work. I can’t send an email around the office, “Large nasal strips available for anyone with a large nose and snoring problem.” As if anyone would own up to that. There are many people who have big noses, but it’s generally something that is ignored amongst society. We don’t hi-light that particular feature in passing conversation. “Hey, Gordon! Great to see you. I didn’t know you were coming tonight. It was only when your nose entered the room 5 minutes before you did that I asked the wife if you were coming.”
So I’m lumbered with these large nasal strips. Damn it, I’m going to use them. Let them span my entire face! Let the extra strong adhesive draw blood every morning when I remove them! But I will not waste them!