It is an ordinary day at Chateau Grump. The dogs are still barking, the local children are still terrorizing the elderly and setting fire to things and somewhere in the distance you can always hear a sound of a woman on the verge of a mental breakdown, shouting at someone in the distinct local dialect, which is Yam Yam. Ah, the sounds of suburbia. How I miss it when I find myself in peaceful, calm surroundings far far away.
The post is delivered but what is this that awaits Mrs Grump on the doormat? Amongst the seventy three Indian takeaway menus, a leaflet from someone offering to carry out exorcisms and the much needed eye brow, back, sack and crack threading service there are a couple of brochures wrapped in cellophane. Gifts For Girls, which has a nice use of alliteration. The brochure for the male counterpart didn’t utilise the same grasp of language. Gift’s for Guys? Bargains for Boys? No. Just Presents For Men. Oh well, straight to the point if nothing else.
Now, Mrs Grump clearly ordered these brochures and of course I’m not going to open her post even though I know what it is. It is wrong, illegal and most importantly, it is in the interest of my own self-preservation to leave it well alone. However, she has clearly ordered them, if I were to speculate, to look for some amazing presents for Christmas…for me. No doubt I will be showered with the awesome gifts that are within the pages of Presents For Men.
When the good lady is finished with the brochures I decide to have a look to see if I can guess what goodies I will be getting this Christmas. So I retrieved the brochures from the bin, wiped off the remains of dinner and had a browse.
I was amazed at how good the gift ideas were. Innovative, Cutting Edge, State Of The Art and Extremely Practical are all ways of describing the contents of Presents For Men.
Please, let me show you some of the delights contained within.
There have been many occasions where I have screamed at the top of my voice to the Good Lady, “For the love of God, this fire is not up to scratch! If only I had a bloody Bouffadou, I could breathe life into the fire and we could once again enjoy the comfort of a raging flame in our lounge whilst watching Last of the Summer Wine reruns on TV!” Only to be told by Mrs Grump that the fire is a gas fire so a Bouffadou would be completely pointless and furthermore, it was condemned and locked off following a Gas safety test earlier this year. It’s a pity because look how much joy the guy in the photo is experiencing, creating a raging flame in his front room. Although, he does look like he is sucking rather than blowing.
It’s not easy being royalty. Okay, so you always travel first class, eat in the finest restaurants and will never have to wake up in a strange, damp and mouldy, dilapidated council flat being spooned by a clammy ex-convict called Brian. But you are a public servant and that carries a lot of pressure and expectation as you jet around the world in style for charity events and presentations. I would find that infuriating. Much like Prince Harry here. I’m sure I would want to damage something too. Fortunately, I would have brought my replica phone with me so I can give it a bloody good squeeze whilst screaming at it! Everyone does after all want to leave the house with two phones. If you do only leave with one phone however, please make sure it is the real one in case of an emergency. The fake one is only good for squeezing whilst in a rage, which may be required anyway when you realise you have the wrong phone.
You don’t need a drumstick tip on the end of a pencil to be a desktop Phil Collins or Ringo. But they shouldn’t be encouraging this sort of behaviour anyway. Not only is it extremely annoying to colleagues it is also completely unpractical. Do you actually think that all that knocking does the lead inside any good? No it doesn’t. You will only cause several fractures within the lead in the pencil, meaning that the need for sharpening will multiply. Perhaps I’m looking too much into this but I’m only showing concern for the lead in your pencil.
The Bike Bag
Bikes. A cheap mode of transport and a great way of getting fit. But what if you don’t want to ride your bike? But you might later on. What to do? Such complex puzzles have kept even the greatest minds amongst us awake at night. Not anymore though. With a bike bag you simply carry your bike wherever you want to go. Yes it might be easier to ride the bike than carry that large awkward thing but you’re missing the point. Look how happy he is. See? You are missing the point! There is a point. There must be. Surely?
Remember back in the day when your dad would wear sandals and socks and it used to be so embarrassing? Well you don’t have to be as embarrassing as him but still embrace retro chic with Silly Socks that look like you are wearing socks with sandals…. inside the confines of your shoes. I think that when you get your smelly feet out in the middle of the pub amongst all of your mates, you will find that they will all laugh with you. You will be the comedy genius to blame for the most “hilarious” event to happen in the local community since Bernard Manning passed through in 1986. You may even get laid that night. Probably not though.
Ever been car jacked by a deer? It is not a pleasant experience. The victims wake up in the middle of the night screaming from flash backs and to hear the screams can strike fear into the cavernous depths of the very soul of a man. So I do not want to run the risk of running into a deer or a wild animal whenever I leave Chateau Grump. Just as well I live in a built up suburb called Dudley. No deer around here. Besides, the roads tend to be restricted to 30mph so it wouldn’t work anyway. Furthermore, the wild animals in the local community that threaten us, are the drunken chavs that roam the streets on scooters during the dark hours. Unfortunately, this thing doesn’t work on humans. But if I did buy it, fit it to my car and drive along a dual carriageway, I’m sure any dogs would hear and so would I inadvertently become the Pied Piper of dogs in the area? All the dogs would be drawn to my Vauxhall Astra as I thundered along at a steady 40mph. Imagine that!
Basically, I know that with such amazing gifts like the above, I am in for a real treat this Christmas.
I then thought that I would browse the Gifts For Girls to see if I could get any ideas for gifts for Mrs Grump. Throughout the brochure there was nothing really of any interest. The usual chocolate, fluffy, feministic anti men kind of stuff, which I quickly flicked past. And then, on the last page, I found this.
Talk To The Hand Bluetooth Gloves
Ladies and Gentlemen, would you agree that the future has arrived? Alas it is only £34.99 to become the envy of your piers! The latest Bluetooth and Touch Screen Technology combining to turn your right hand into a phone. Unfortunately, the model is talking into her left hand. I also don’t know if the words being spoken by the person at the other end are somehow beamed into your brain, through some sort of futuristic language projection thumb to brain interface, hence placing the thumb on the temple. Either that or the model has quite remarkably never used a phone before. But what a great idea! Why hold a phone to your ear whilst wearing gloves? No, much better to make your hand into a phone shape and talk to someone whilst walking down the street. People won’t think you are insane at all!
This Christmas is going to be brilliant!