“You’re amazing! Amazing! Oh my God. You are so amazing! I don’t know how you do it,” said Mrs Grump to me. Not for the first time either, I’d like to add!
Why? Well let me take you back to the night before, when Mrs Grump and I are lying in bed. It is late and the lights are just about to go out.
For any perverts reading this, getting all excited, I’m telling you now to forget it! This is not that kind of story. You are clearly on the wrong blog!
I was just about bid my lady goodnight with a little peck (as in kiss!) when Mrs Grump suddenly says, “I’ve got this weird song in my head and I don’t know where it came from. It’s a completely random, weird song.”
“What song is it?” I ask.
“I don’t know. I really want to know what it is.”
“Is it a band or a solo artist?”
“I don’t know. I think it’s a band.”
“Okay, so what era is this song from?”
“80’s. Definitely 80’s. There are men in the group….I think.”
“How does it go?”
“I’m not going to sing. You know I can’t sing! If I were to sing, it really wouldn’t help.”
“Okay, well, what about the words?”
“I don’t know if there are any. I’ve just got music going around my head. The same ten seconds over and over.”
I lie there perplexed. I was planning on going to sleep but now I was dragged into a classic game of Guess That Song With The Least Amount Of Clues Possible. I was trying to wind my mind down, not stir it up with memories of different hits of the 80’s.
“Right so you’re telling me that it’s a song in the 80’s. It might be a band and you think there are men in the band.”
“Well that really narrows it down for me. You won’t give me a tune?”
“Can you tell me anything else?”
“Err, Trumpets! There are trumpets.”
In an instant my mind is searching through the catalogue of songs that I can remember from that era. Generally my knowledge is pretty limited at the best of times but for some reason, I can remember the most obscure shit you can ever think of. Things like jingles, advertisement music and songs from the past with lyrics.
And then, then I found an answer! It had to be. A strange song from the 80’s with trumpets.
“Madness! Is it Madness?”
“It could be,” and I hear the sound of hope in Mrs Grumps voice. The torment of this song was probably soon to be eased thanks to the fantastic Grumpy Young mind and his mental extensive back catalogue of hits!
I then try to recreate the sounds of trumpets and saxophone in the song One Step Beyond. I really put a lot of effort into it and if I’m honest I think on that performance alone, critics would have recommended the Ivor Novella award for contribution to music.
However, Mrs Grump just looked at me with her confused face, watching my stupidly pursed lips trying to make the sounds of an entire brass section and I couldn’t help wonder if she thought I was having a stroke.
“Well?” I ask with enthusiasm, expecting Mrs Grump to be blown away by the brass band that just serenaded her.
“Err, I’m not sure.” She then reaches for her phone, straight to the YouTube app and finds the music video for Madness, One Step Beyond. When we heard it, I realised my own version was a long way off. “No, that’s not it.” We then look at a couple of other Madness videos but still no joy and with that, she turns out the light. “It’s something similar to that though.”
Darkness and silence.
“What’s the bit you’re listening to? Is it a chorus? A verse?” I ask as I carefully twist at the waist so she doesn’t get some warm bodily gas blown at her leg.
“Thanks for not farting on me.”
“Ugh? What? I wasn’t farting.”
“I felt what you did. I’m not stupid. Am I going to be suffocated now?”
“No, I don’t think it’s a smelly one. Chorus or verse?”
Silence whilst Mrs Grump contemplates the question that I have posed. In the deep recesses of her mind she is playing the loop over and over and over again; trying to place where her instinct tells her that the loop belongs in the overall body of the song.
“Have you fallen asleep?”
“I think it’s the 8 beat middle bit.”
“What, the middle 8 section?”
“I think so.”
Silence and darkness. I’m thinking. This time, I twist right round and pull back the duvet sticking my arse into the open cold air of the room to let out another gassy, but silent, release. Don’t ever say that I am not a considerate partner. I know how to look after my woman damn it!
“So it’s a song in the 80’s; possibly ska; possibly without words; we think it’s got just men in the group and there are trumpets.”
“It’s not really narrowing it down for me. Can you sing a bit?
“Okay, okay. You do realise we’re going to be up until stupid O’clock now don’t you? You’re supposed to be up at 6!
“I know. It’s alright, I’ll probably remember tomorrow.”
I took that as the green light to put this difficult quiz to bed and so I closed my eyes with my back to Mrs Grump to avoid the possibility of nodding off and snoring in her face. I’ve had the shocking repercussions of doing that before. Not again.
My eyes open.
“What was that?”
“That’s all I can do.”
“What? Hmmm Hmmmmm? I thought you had ten seconds worth?”
“I have but that’s all you’re getting. You’ve got four notes!”
“I counted two.”
“It might be a clarinet actually.”
“I don’t know it’s kind of Arabic sounding.”
My once tired mind was now racing yet again. Arabic music, 80’s song. Arabic music, 80’s song. I took a stab in the dark. By that I mean I had another guess. Some of you really do have filthy minds!
“Men At Work, Land Down Under?” Followed by quite literally an angelic rendition of the song.
“Stop singing….please! No.”
Again I had to think. This was difficult and it was late. Then whilst thinking of the instruments I had a guess at an old Guinness advert but I was again wrong. It was like finding a needle in a haystack. Guessing that is!!
The time was getting on and so we agreed to call it a night. We had to sleep or risk going into work the next day looking like extras from The Walking Dead! So I considerately farted again and went to sleep.
This evening I collected Mrs Grump and on the way home I started probing.
For more information!! This post is turning into a Carry On film.
The good lady explained that she had been so busy doing her job that she hadn’t really had any time to think about it. Quite right too, I thought, as I then realised that I had spent pretty much 8 hours of the day sat at my desk, staring into space trying to remember 80’s pop with Arabic riffs.
Later this evening, we were both partaking in one of our favourite past times. Having slogged over a computer for a third of the day, there’s nothing Mrs Grump and I like more than to get home and relax in front of our own respective computers for a few more hours.
“I’ve got that song in my head again,” said Mrs Grump whilst reading a Daily mail article about some celebrity that I’ve never heard of’s sagging bum cheeks on an exotic beach with a photo captured by a pap’s super telephoto lens 7 miles away.
We discussed the clues and the words Arabic and snake charmer kept coming up.
“Little Lies, Fleetwood Mac?” I guessed but no.
80’s band, Snake Charm, Clarinet and then I had it!
I call up YouTube and type in the band and song I was so confident it had to be. I press play and sure enough as it started to play, Mrs Grump turned around with a little squeak of jubilation. I had found it. The song was of course, The Specials, Ghost Town.
“I can’t believe it! You’ve found it! How? How?” asked Mrs Grump completely blown away by my correct guess.
“Oh well, you know. 80’s song, Snake charm, Clarinet. It’s The Specials, Ghost Town isn’t it?” I said trying to be all cool and chilled out about it when inside I was like a footballer who had just scored a goal and pulled his shirt over his head, running around like a mad man and then sliding across the football pitch on his stomach without taking into consideration the amount of spitting that goes on by players in a game. (I’m convinced that is why sliding tackles are possible!)
“It’s like you read my mind!” said Mrs Grump, who obviously wanted to jump on me in that moment and rip off all of my clothes.
Unfortunately, that moment must have quickly passed because she didn’t. But she did go on to say all of the stuff I started this post with. Y’know, how A-Maze-Ing I am. I had indeed gained muchos kudos!! Her man had once again, come up with the goods.
Well, what can I say?
80’s song, Snake Charm Sound, Clarinet!
Thank you Google.