Grumpy Trend Setter

I knew this day would one day come.

It was just a matter of time. I’ve always considered myself at the forefront of the “Coolest Current Thing” whatever that might be. For example, back in the day when everyone else had Sega Megadrives or a SuperNintendo, I had the half wooden Atari. See Hazardous Digital Gaming Frontiers! for more on that. Going to school in unfashionable clothes and generally being behind on the times. Who would have thought that I effectively invented Retro!?!?!?!

But now I’m consciously aware that I’m a trend setter. I have taken an action and others have followed me. I did something and in awe and admiration others followed me. I am reminded of the hymn we used to sing at school, Follow me, follow me, leave your homes and family, leave your fishing nets and boats upon the shore. Mind you this is Dudley. Probably more like, Follow me, follow me, leave Jeremy Kyle on the tv, leave your chips, your pay day loans and lock your doors.

Oh yes of course, you’re wondering what this must be and will it soon be sweeping the nation, the continent, the world?

Probably not. It’s not something that you’re going to see Hollywood A listers, Chart topping singers and Cheryl Cole partaking in. It’s only regarding a wheelie bin.

Basically, last week Dudley Council gave everyone a wheelie bin. Now I’m fully aware that many of the boroughs surrounding Dudley gave their constituents wheelie bins and recycling collection facilities long ago. Dudley’s only just catching up but then this is a borough that still speaks some Olde English! Some of the locals still see fire as witchcraft.

This wheelie bin is a giant leap forward in refuse collection for this community. Before we had to leave our rubbish bags outside the front of the house all night to be ravaged by the foxes. See my previous post Foxy Bin Bags. Although I do wonder if by introducing these wheelie bins we will by default be forcing the evolution of foxes to develop opposable thumbs.

foxy bingo

There is also an improvement of recycling facilities which is something I am very happy about. It is crap to not have the facilities to recycle some of your rubbish. I grew up with Captain Planet for God’s sake! That shit scarred me. I throw away a plastic bag and I imagine a baby dolphin going hungry, crying out for it’s mother. Tears streaming down it’s already wet face making absolutely no difference to the wetness of it’s little sad face.

I’m really going off track here.

Right! So! Wheelie bin! It came with a leaflet that explained what they would collect and when they would collect it. Fridays would be the day of the greatly improved recycling collection. Brilliant!

Today, as I write this it is Thursday. Our rubbish is collected on Thursdays. This morning I panicked as I almost forgot to put the wheelie bin out. I left the house early and noticed that I was the only one to  do this. I left my solitary black wheelie bin alone in the close as I dashed off to make a real difference and solve more insurance related queries!

But when I return home, I noticed that the number of wheelie bins adorning our little close had multiplied. Everyone had seen my bin and clearly as I exude intelligence (glasses) everyone followed the natural born leader.

There you have it! Everyone followed my example. I am a trend setter. Kind of.

The thing is, the collection is actually tomorrow. Yeah, they’ve moved that day to Fridays too. I neglected to read that bit in the leaflet.

One by one, everyone returned home, tried to wheel their bin in and realised that it had not shed any weight. Then they all probably looked at Chateau Grump through their slightly disjointed inbred gaze and called me a Cowbag (The local terminology for a fool). I’ve basically looked like an idiot to everyone who trusted me to know exactly what I was doing.

So tomorrow, I’ll be leaving for work under the cover of darkness to avoid the pitchfork, fiery lantern waving neighbours, shouting at me for misleading them. But hey, at least foxes haven’t got opposable thumbs….yet.


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