The Piercing Question You Must Ask

People can do what they like with their own bodies as long as it doesn’t affect anyone else in my opinion. Doesn’t mean I have to understand it though.

 

I’m getting off the train and there is a woman in front of me. This woman I see every day, pretty much on the way to and from work, and so she is now a familiar face to me. I probably am to her although I wouldn’t really enter into a conversation with her. Why? Well, I’ve heard her talking on the phone. “I told ‘im dis yeah and I told ‘im dat!” She’s pretty ghetto even though she is in some pastel coloured business gear. I think she might work in sales or recruitment. So I’ve already got a sense of her personality. She’s a bit, well, aggressive. She aint takin sh*t from no man!

 

She is a clear example of what can happen when a young girl gets influenced by the Spice Girls message of Girl Power and takes it to the extreme. If it was a different time, perhaps she would have been Bodecia or Xena Warrior Princess.

 

I find her appearance as aggressive as her “tude” down the phone. The first thing I noticed about her was her talons. Talons that should be nails. Practical if you’ve got an itch, a need for a fresh piece of sticky tape or for playing flamenco guitar. Otherwise, the hand resembles more of a claw. An orange claw in this instance. You see, she also seems to have a lovely natural orange hue to her. Perhaps she’s been eating a lot of carrots lately.

 

But the orange does seem to work well with the bling she likes to wear. I hope I’ve painted a clear picture for you here. If anything, if this was the Joy Of Painting, without distracting you with my afro, I would be using Cadmium Burnt Orange and then regale you with stories of Squirrels in my back yard. Anyway, I’m sure you can tell that this lady, wreaks of class.

 

Perhaps she intimidates me just a little bit.

 

Her hair is up  as I walk behind her. We are both just part of the large crowd of commuters leaving the beautifully picturesque Dudley Port train station. But my glazed, zombie like demeanour is distracted when something catches my eye. A glint of something. It is a piercing. “So what? Lots of people have piercings, that’s no big deal!” you’re probably not shouting at the screen right now.

 

But this was a piercing through the back of her neck.

 

I wasn’t thinking, ‘Wow, what a lovely piece of body art. It looks so charming as the light reflects so majestically on the metal pieces at either end of the middle bit that’s been punctured through the neck like a skewer through some chicken ripe for the barbeque!” No I thought, ‘Why the f*ck would you get that done?’

 

As I said before, I don’t have a problem with people doing it but it doesn’t mean I have to like it or understand it.

 

People will pierce anything these days won’t they? Ears, eyebrows, nose, lips, tongue, neck, nipples and even their nether regions!

 

I can’t help but take a step back and a somewhat pragmatic viewpoint. What is this we are witnessing? Essentially, people take some foreign object and force it through a part of their body. It’s a cultural thing, a religious thing, a fashionable thing and even a sexual thing in some cases. I have never thought of the magnetic strip of a fridge door as a potential sex toy before. Wonders never cease.

 

The practice dates back over 5000 years. But am I the only one who thinks this premise is odd?

 

Who first had the idea of taking something and forcing it through their flesh?

 

Picture the scene, two ancient tribes people. Let’s call them Gordon and Chuck. Chuck approaches Gordon looking for their mate, Morris.

 

Chuck:

“Have you seen Morris?”

Gordon:

“Oh, yeah, he’s gone off into the woods to try to find a nice sharp piece of wood.”

Chuck:

“What for?”

Gordon:

“He said he’s going to try to force it through his ear.”

Chuck:

“What?”

Gordon:

“Yeah, you know what he’s like. Trying to start a trend. Wants to be at the cutting edge of fashion. Thinks it would look good and then he’ll get all the ladies.”

Chuck:

“Well that won’t ever catch on.”

Gordon:

“I know, he’s such a dick.”

Chuck:

“Didn’t that other bloke try something similar a few months back? You know, the bloke from the other tribe who hangs out down by the river. The one with the weird glare!”

Gordon:

“Yeah but he tried to force a piece of wood through his nipple.”

 Chuck:

“What happened?”

 Gordon:

“Well, he screamed a lot. Then it bled quite a bit. Then it went a bit green and he started to feel unwell.”

 Chuck:

“Well that’s attractive.”

 Gordon:

“Chuck I think you’ve just invented sarcasm. Anyway, he died.”

 Chuck:

“What a dickhead.”

 Gordon:

“It didn’t even look good! Why would anyone want to stick something through them like that? It’ll never catch on.”

 Chuck:

“Nah, it’ll never catch on. I heard about Nutty Nigel trying it but that went bad too.”

 Gordon:

“Yes but he was trying to pierce his gall bladder with a fang from a sabre toothed tiger.”

 Chuck:

“If we even had an education system I’d probably know where the gall bladder is and I’d probably say that Nigel made a schoolboy error. But we haven’t, so I won’t.

He should of at least made sure the tiger wasn’t  still attached to the tooth though!”

 Gordon:

“Good point. Should have killed it first!”

In the distance we hear the faint scream of Morris.

 

Morris:

“Anybody got any antiseptic wipes?”

Chuck:

“Haven’t been invented yet.”

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2 comments

  1. gingerfightback · July 28, 2014

    Handy for coat hooks though

    Like

    • Grumpy Young Bloke · August 1, 2014

      That is a good point! However, was that the intention 5000 years ago? Perhaps it was!

      Like

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