I did an ice bucket challenge. I got wet and cold. I donated to a different charity that I wanted to support, The Stroke Association, in memory of my late Grandmother.
So yes, I jumped on this bandwagon and I rode it all the way to 26 likes on Facebook and two out of the three nominations I made also did the challenge. I don’t know why Malcolm didn’t do it. I guess he likes to go against the grain. He always was a trailblazing renegade. Bound to be with a name like Malcolm.
Yes people moan and say that there are people without water in the world and we should be ashamed of wasting it. But then again, I guess these people who say that never wash their car because of the amount of water wastage, never have a bath and never send a card for an occasion because it’s a waste of paper. They sit, miserable in their homes which they only heat and light with one candle!
At the end of the day, this activity has spread across the world, gotten people involved, spread laughter and raised a lot of money for charity as well as an awareness of motor neurone disease. I think people need to lighten up a bit. I can appreciate that there are people without water in the world and that is a terrible thing. I just think people can jump on the moral high ground without looking at themselves. There are people starving in the world but it doesn’t stop people going to a Sunday carvery and helping themselves to way too much food, trying to carry a mountain of meat and veg, piled high, drenched in gravy, trying not to drop a precariously placed Yorkshire pudding!
What I’m trying to say is, unless you are completely perfect, shut the f*ck up! Some people are going to get extra help, resources and support because of this thing.
Anyway, I’ll get off my soapbox now.
So we had a buffet at work, on our team. We all chipped in and brought in various things. I opted for cocktail sausages, sausage rolls and pork pies. A pork theme. Others splashed out and bought cakes, chocolate and other sweety badness. I helped to clear some of it away to prevent others from eating that sh*t. Doing my bit for my colleagues’ well being. Although, after seven chocolate rolls, four cupcakes, a slice of home made cheesecake and one Pringle, I was feeling a bit nauseous. I blame the Pringle. It was time to take a break from the buffet and actually try sitting at my desk and doing some work for a while.
After fifteen minutes of adrenaline pumping insurance based stuff, listening to someone tell me about the stain on their ceiling and how it was ruining their life and how they were a single mother with eighteen children and a goat, I returned to the buffet and dived straight into the barbeque cocktail sausages.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I love a good joke. Sometimes, I even try to think of them and sometimes the comedy genius oozes out of me without control. However, it is important to pick your audience. To know your audience.
I picked up a small cocktail sausage, held it between my thumb and forefinger and whilst staring at it, it just came out. I don’t know where from. I couldn’t help it.
I sighed and followed it with, “This reminds me of when I did the ice bucket challenge.”
Okay it’s a cheap penis based joke highlighting the effect of the cold on the nether regions. Scientific Fact! But still a penis joke, which in itself is a little juvenile but come on, there was a bit more thought in it. It was a step above putting the little sausage downstairs whilst pulling a face and running around the office shouting, “Look, I’ve got my cock out and it’s barbeque flavoured!” I like to think I’m a bit more refined than that.
So there it was, it was out there. The response? Well, raucous laughter in the whole office which spread from department to department, from floor to floor and down the phone lines to our other offices in the country and then globally and before you knew it, I was hoisted up onto the shoulders of my colleagues and paraded around like a champion for saying this incredibly hilarious joke. The CEO wanted to personally congratulate me on raising the morale of the entire organisation which increased productivity, profit and quality service to our customers.
Again I joke. Nothing. Nothing happened. It wasn’t really heard. Not properly anyway and also I noticed I was surrounded by women. They probably wouldn’t have appreciated the joke.
And then a voice speaks up. A young female voice. “What did you say?”
I turn to face her with the cocktail sausage still between my thumb and finger, mere seconds away from being devoured. The sausage, not me. ‘Don’t say anything,’ my inner voice was telling me. Thank the sweet lord for intuition, which can guide us out of harms way and potential humiliation.
“I said, it reminds me of when I did the ice bucket challenge.”
I don’t always listen to that inner voice. Should really.
I stood there frozen in what seemed like several seconds but was probably only about…several seconds while she tried to dissect and understand the poor attempt at humour this strange bald man had made.
And then it happened. Almost in slow motion, the penny had finally dropped. She understood and her facial expression changed from one of blank gormless wonder, her eyes starting to squint, laughter lines appearing, this was it, I had gotten a laugh as her teeth started to show. But wait, what’s going on? It’s contorting too far, why is her nose all scrunching up like that? Why is her mouth downturned and why the furrowed monobrow?
“Uuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrggggghhhh,” she loudly exclaimed whilst looking at me like I had just posted some dog poo through the letterbox of a foster home.
So know your audience people. If I’d have cracked that kind of gag in the pub with my mates, I’d have been hailed a bloody comedy genius….kind of….for a couple of seconds. Actually, no, they’d have probably belittled me in some way with some kind of small appendage slur. So uncouth.
I am never saying that joke to anyone ever again!