Well That’s Ironic Alanis!

No, not rain on your wedding day! That’s just unfortunate.

Not ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife. Clearly you’ve walked into the European spoon museum!

In fact, not anything that Alanis Morrisette says!

God I hate that song! Mostly because many of the examples are not ironic. They are just unfortunate or coincidence. Nothing to do with irony. It makes me want to scream at Alanis Morrisette, “No Alanis……No!! Just No!!! I appreciate your support of breastfeeding but quite frankly your understanding of irony is completely incorrect. It’s not like three hungry kids with just two nipples to feed them! No Alanis, No!”

Anyway, I was driving along, minding my own business when I saw the car in front had some small writing over the bumper. Brightly coloured but very small, I couldn’t read it.

I tried to ignore it. Tried to continue about my journey and live a long and prosperous Alanis Morrisette free life. Alas the bright colours and dynamic style of the text kept teasing me and seemed to constantly catch my attention. What did it say?

What kind of message compels someone to stick some text to the back of their car in a dynamic jaunty kind of writing? Why is it so small? Why is it so eye catching and yet so difficult to read?

I had to find out so I edged my vehicle nearer to the car in front. Now I’m not proud, but I was not within the safe braking distance of the Highway Code from 1960. But I still couldn’t read it.

I eased off the accelerator and slowed down to create distance between us once more. This was annoying me now. All I wanted to know was what the text said. What was the message? I’d follow him all the way home if I had to to find out. Although, if he saw a bald man grimacing at him in the rear view mirror, following him wherever he went, we might inadvertently end up in some kind of high speed chase resulting in a pursuit from police, a helicopter, a news team, a tyre stinger and an appearance on Police Chases 17 with some condescending arsehole narrating and saying things like, “These two crazy drivers almost died!” and “Going through red lights is dangerous!”

I have a half a tank of petrol so I know that I’m good for about 160 miles but fortunately we approach some traffic lights that are red. He doesn’t realise the extent to which I’m prepared to find out what the message is and so he’s currently not feeling threatened and luckily for me and everyone else on the streets of Birmingham that day, he stops at the red light.

This was my chance. I pulled up behind him and started to slowly creep forward until our bumpers were almost touching.

It is then that I can see the message clearly. The bright colours and jaunty writing were suddenly clear and I could at last make out the individual letters and from those strategically placed letters the three words they formed. And from those strategically placed words, I could read the sentence and then understand the message that this driver was so compelled to say to the point that he would buy an almost unreadable sticker and place it on the back of his car for people like me to see it and wonder what it says. The inquisitiveness becoming almost overwhelming to the point that they have to get very very close to read it.

The message was simple. It said, “Keep your distance.”

THAT Alanis is ironic!

Not sure whether the lyrics, “It’s like a car sticker that can only be read close up, coaxing the inquisitively natured to get ever closer until they can read the message which says to keep your distance,” would really work.


One comment

  1. gingerfightback · September 5, 2014

    Give my child a chance – always gets my goat that one


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