How To Inspire The Youth Of Today


I put the bins out. It’s my job as the MAN of the house. Not one for gender stereotypes but there are certain things that the man must do. Put the bins out, climb into the loft, cut the grass and grow the beard. In my opinion, if Mrs Grump did any of those things it would affect the entire equilibrium of the planet. Besides, I’m not sharing my razors!

As I turn to face the house, I see that my friend and neighbour, Audrey has opened her kitchen window, (It’s at the front of the house by the way. I don’t go wandering around the back of people’s houses! Well, not while they are in!)

I say hello as although I am grumpy, I consider myself a good neighbour who is always there for his neighbours. Take the other side, for example. If the time comes to put their evil bastard of a cat down; the one that looks at me like I’m a piece of shit; the only cat that I’ve ever flicked the bird at, I will be more than happy to oblige. Why pay expensive veterinary bills?

Anyway, I popped my head through the window and Audrey was serving up dinner for her two boys. The oldest who’s eight came into the kitchen. He wasn’t impressed because he had gotten homework to do.

“It’s important to do your homework, isn’t it Uncle Grump?” said Audrey. His younger five year old brother came bowling into the kitchen as bold as brass, giving it large, “Hello Uncle Grump!!”

I had the stage. This was my chance to share wisdom from my thirty-three years on this spinning ball. Audrey was looking to me to reaffirm her message to her two young children about the importance of study and education and the positive impact it could have on their lives. This was my opportunity to expand their mind.

Now if I had had time to prepare, I would have explained that through education, they can intellectually stimulate their minds and develop their understanding of the world around them. That the brain is a muscle to be worked and exercised like any other muscle in the body. That they should embrace this opportunity to learn as much as they can, to allow the world around us to inspire them because inspiration and education are powerful allies, and that combined, they can create wondrous opportunity. To say that their education forms a large part of whom they will become as people and where they will fit amongst society. How they will live the rest of their lives, and how others will judge them. Alas it can be said that in the modern world, a great education is a springboard towards prosperity. Indeed, would it not be a shame for the pure potential of these two young minds to not be utilised and explored? Who knows what greatness their generation could create. Maybe an affordable and revolutionary cure for male pattern baldness?

But I didn’t have time to prepare. I was on the spot, now, in this moment. Audrey continued to look at me whilst these two young faces also stared at their balding, miserable neighbour.

“Well, err, if you don’t get a good education, it will be harder to get a good job,” I said. “Yes,” agreed Audrey. She knew I had wisdom. I was oozing wisdom. It must be the effect of the beard I’m attempting to grow again.

I could have left it there really. I’m just a neighbour. But I didn’t.

“If you haven’t got a job, you’ll have a minimal amount of income and it’ll be an extra stretch to buy deodorant!”

“Or soap,” said Audrey. She was on board with me here. For a split second I wondered whether to add that no job didn’t necessarily mean no money because crime was another option but I opted against it.

I could have left it there really. I’m just a neighbour. But I didn’t.

“Thank you Uncle Grump,” said Audrey.

“And then you’ll smell!” I continued. I needed to connect with these two boys. “You’ll smell like dirty pants out of a laundry basket! Then you’ll be known as the two brothers from Dudley who smell like pooey skid marks!”

Audrey was now looking at me with a little bit of fear for she knew that I was now on a roll.

I had already gotten an “Uuurgh” out of the boys. I could have left it there really. I’m just a neighbour. But I didn’t.

“And because you don’t have a job, because you’re uneducated, you shall have to spend your days visiting the dole cue on a regular basis…..”

I was doing my best to try to instil fear into their young minds. Fear of the consequence of not doing their homework!

“….where you will be queuing next to a man who coughs on you….”

“Uuuuurgh,” This was working.

“…and smells of wee!”

“Uuuurgh,” I don’t want to stop there. Audrey was looking a little uncomfortable now. But I was on a roll.

“…and next to you, you will have a man with large boils with green slime oozing out, puss going everywhere and you fear that it might be infectious, whilst he’s there saying (I now put on an accent. A northern accent. Could have been Lancashire or Yorkshire. This is not a representation of the people from those areas by any means.) ‘Can you help me, I didn’t do my homework and now I stink of wee and poo and I’ve got these nasty growths all over me that ooze slime.'”

The boys were starting to look a little traumatized by this imagery. Perhaps even a little tearful because quite frankly, my acting out of this scene was nothing short of Oscar worthy genius. But now it was time to reinforce the message.

“So is that how you want to be when you grow up?” I said to them overly aggressive.

“No,” they replied huddled together for support. Audrey, had a look of bewilderment on her face.

“Well do your homework then!”

I’m not sure what Audrey made of it. Whether she thought it was valuable or actually harmful to paint such a clear picture in the minds of these boys.

But my work was done. Again I have reinforced my position as an upstanding pillar of the local community.





  1. gingerfightback · September 10, 2014

    You are an inspirational speaker


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