I’ve taken the plunge. I’ve done something status quo. I’m one of the masses. I’ve joined a gym in January.
Now a couple of years ago, you may recall, I wrote about my very first experience of an exercise programme called Insanity. You can read about it here. I never told you that I actually completed it. Straight up! Honest! I felt great apart from my knees and joints and general agony but then after that I decided I needed something a bit more challenging. So for a laugh I completed the SAS physical selection process. Okay, so they asked me to join up as I smashed all their records. They could see that I was a physical specimen with a natural killer/survival/tactical/strategist mind. But I told them straight. I said, “Look fellas, I appreciate the offer, but the insurance world needs me.
Then I didn’t do anything for a bit so I thought I’d take advantage of a Pure Gym down the road.
So as the Grumpy Young Bloke enters the arena of fitness, sweat and unflattering lycra, it’s no wonder that there are certain things that I have noticed. And as The Grumpy Young Bloke, many of these things annoy me. There’s a scientific and rather affectionate term for these annoyances. The term is a Bellend. So here’s a list of the many types of Bellends that piss me off, because I’ve heard that lists are good for blogs.
- Smelly Bellends.
I know a few people are sweating but there is a thing called deodorant. There have been instances when my gag reflex has kicked in as someone has walked past.
- Bellends Working Out With Their Women.
I think it’s great to have a hobby for couples to enjoy. Although this evening, I saw a short Bellend with a funky haircut, tattoo on his neck, earrings and a double chin, trying to bench press two 22kg dumbells in front of his missus. She hardly looked sexually aroused looking on at his bright red trembling turnip head. She probably knew she would have to wash his underpants. It was quite a strain for him.
- Competitive Bellends.
I’m not competing with anyone. I’m doing my own thing! I start with a ten minute run to warm up and I like to get to a decent pace to get that heart rate thumping. I looked across, the other day, to see the guy next to me, with his running machine set to really fast. But he’d lifted his feet off the ground, supporting himself on the side rails and was pretending to run at that speed with no actual contact between footwear and treadmill. Yes! What a Bellend!
- Letching Bellends.
Women attend the gym too. I take no notice. I only have eyes for one woman. But it does turn my stomach when I see some blokes blatantly having a letch at the women. It’s pretty cringe. It’s that look on their face, like a vegan staring at a carrot and blatantly thinking, ‘yeah, I’d chew on that nutritious orange stick, raw! Mmmmm.’ It’s so wrong.
- Testosterone Bellends
Some guys are very muscular. Others think they are muscular but are really just fat. Both types are prone to walking around with chest out, trying to look aggressive. The free weights area is always a great place to witness this cocktail of alpha males. I take no notice. I’m not there for anyone else and besides I’m an SAS natural killer/survival/tactical/strategist expert and insurance claims handler. I can handle myself!
It is pathetic though because they look around to see who’s looking at how much they can lift incorrectly with bad form. Yes make good use of that natural hinge in the spine! Straighten the knees and bend the back! Wow look how strong you are! You’re my hero! Yes of course I’ll call you an ambulance.
- Bellends Wanting People To Look At Them.
Hey music is powerful. But the music you can hear through your headphones only generally can be heard by you alone. No one else can appreciate it. You are not in some kind of Rocky training montage! Tonight I witnessed the sudden clatter of metal as the skinny chap next to me dramatically dropped the weight on the tricep curler machine and suddenly jumped up, lightly jumping on the spot like a boxer whilst grimacing. He was clearly worked up. I wasn’t sure if it was his music, if he needed the loo or if he was suddenly overcome by the Lord! Then I noticed that after he slyly looked around to see if anyone was watching, he stormed over to the mirrors to complete some aggressive tricep curls with small free weights, whilst aggressively staring at himself. If he could lip read, he may have seen my reflection mouthing the word, “Bellend”.
- Bellends Hogging The Machine.
God I hate them. Sitting there for ages either letching, trying to look intimidating, or on their phone. Few of them are sweating and messing up their sculpted fashionable haircuts.
I want to work out. I don’t want to walk around searching for a machine that’s free. Perhaps if I jogged around whilst searching, I’d be killing two birds with one stone!
So if I find a machine, I have to stick to it and work four sets of the same exercise. But during my rest break for one minute between sets, I probably look like one of them! I’m not one of them. I am NOT one of them!
- Bellends On Their Phone.
Sorry, are you there to work out, get fit, challenge yourself, sculpt your body into that of an adonis? No you’re there because you want to tag yourself on your Facebook page as, “At the gym” in a vain attempt to impress your mates. What a Bellend. Unplug from Facebook for an hour of your life for God’s sake! What is wrong with you?
- Lazy Bellends.
This ties in to the phone use. I’ve seen someone on an exercise bike, leaning back with a towel draped over their face, looking like they are taking a nap. There’s no work ethic in some people. But I bet those same people love to tell others about their killer session at the gym. But they get caught out. For one, the complete lack of weight loss is a sure fire way of knowing when someone only talks a good session.
- Naked Bellends.
This is literal. The men’s changing room can be an uncomfortable place. Where else could you wander out of the toilets to witness a man blow-drying his happy sack? Maybe he’d shampooed and conditioned it a few minutes earlier.
But I have learnt a valuable lesson my friends. A lesson that I will share with you. A lesson, in relation to the lockers and which one to pick.
I entered the changing room in search of a decent size locker. There were many to chose from. I just so happened to pick one, which was next to another locker with a padlock on it.
I unpacked my bag, my water bottle, towel and IPod so I could work out to the sounds of metal! I placed these items on the bench directly in front of and below my chosen locker. I had almost packed away everything when a man approached me. He was the temporary owner of the locker next to mine. He was naked, swinging about. He was middle aged, loose, saggy and out there unashamedly, letting the air circulate.
Now I’m not prudish and I’m well aware that changing rooms do contain naked bodies, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to be comfortable with it, does it?
And as he dangled there in my periphery, I realised he was dangling just above my IPod. Mere inches away. I couldn’t exactly reach down and grab it could I? The IPod that is!! So I had to wait and pretend to mess about in my bag until old droopy bollocks had put his underpants on and moved away.
I’m sure you will agree. Harrowing.
So there you have it. My top ten annoying Bellends in the gym and at the time of writing this, I’ve only been a member for a week!
Here’s a motivational poster I made!