I was waiting at a red light and when it turned green I started to pull away. Suddenly to my left, a Vauxhall Zaffira with an overweight woman at the wheel and her chubby kids in the back, came shooting out of the junction to my left. I could only take a guess that they were in a hurry to get to the Macdonalds drive through that was a mere stones throw away from this junction. Perhaps they had an offer on?
I had to slam on the brakes and reacted as most of us would with the non verbal auditory sound of aggression behind the wheel; the obligatory long blast on the horn and when I say long blast, I’m talking a good two seconds which clearly explains my intent without going overboard on the aggression.
I received a response from the woman. She raised her middle finger. There it was, for all to see. A non verbal insult, aimed in my direction.
But as I looked on, I couldn’t help but think how ridiculous that act really is. How could showing her fat sausage like middle finger possibly offend me? If anything it was showing me she had some sort of gland problem.
But as I laughed to myself, I came to realise how stupid that notion really is. How could you get offended by someone showing you a finger? Why does it have to be that part of the anatomy that causes so much offence? Why not the tip of the elbow, the outer side of the ankle or a wisdom tooth, shown with the same evil intent?
Then I started to think about verbal abuse and similarly I came to the same conclusion overall that when you actually look at what’s being said, it’s really stupid and makes no sense.
Two swear words which I can fully understand and appreciate are calling people an Ar$*hole which is not the nicest parts of the body from which our digestive waste is ejected and then of course the other word is calling someone a $h*t. Obviously you are literally calling someone a piece of unwanted human waste which isn’t really good for anything. These insults, I get. I mean I understand! But they’re not used very much in this neck of the woods. I shall take a Grumpy Young look at common swear words and discuss further.
1) F**k off! / F**k You!
Said when you want someone to leave you alone. But the word F**k, is another word for sex. Sex of course, is the natural act of not only showing love and affection but also for procreating. The thing is that sex is enjoyable. (Well, it’s supposed to be. Just depends who you’re doing it with.) But there’s always someone at it and always someone trying to do it. Right now while you’re reading this! Could be the couple who live over the road from you, your colleague who is pulling a sickie from work or maybe even your parents.
So by shouting this you are telling the person you don’t like to Sex off! To procreate off! To have sex! You’re telling them to have a bloody good time! Furthermore, you’re telling someone you don’t like to procreate which is not something you’d really want is it? Some idiot passing on their genes? Well that’s what you’re saying when you say F**k Off!
2) C**t, Tw@t or other derivative.
These words mean lady parts. The C word has a bit more of a gritty edge and is seen as the most offensive of them all. Drop the C Bomb and everyone takes note. Especially in a team meeting at work. Not really appropriate.
But…. what is it about that part of the anatomy that gives it such a bad rep? I mean correct me if I’m wrong, that’s where most men are trying to get to. That’s the promised land! Furthermore, unless you were born using what I shall refer to as, “The sunroof extraction,” then you popped out of one of those! That’s where you came from.
So by calling someone “You Tw@t/C**t!” you are essentially calling them, “A magnetically magical place of wonderment and fascination for most men and also the place you probably popped out of at birth.”
Not offensive at all is it?
3) Dick, cock or other derivative.
Ah, the male counterpart. Admitedly, probably not the most attractive of features and with a lot of attention and pressure surrounding it. But we are again referring to a sexual organ which let’s be honest, blokes struggle to leave alone! Men are very protective over their own package but are more than happy to use the fella when trying to woo the female of the species to reach the promised land, (refer to point two above) so that they can, well, you know, (refer to point one above).
A British insult whereby you are telling a man he masturbates. May as well say the grass is green and the sky is blue really hadn’t you? It’s good for the prostate gland apparently!
This is pretty old school now but nonetheless it means to be born of parents who are not married. However, with increasing house prices and other financial strains that we face nowadays, a wedding is not necessarily at the forefront of couple’s plans. Saving for a deposit for a house is. Therefore, it is becoming a more and more common occurance in todays society.
So when you call someone a “B@st@rd,” what you’re really saying to someone is, “You’re a child born in a modern society whereby a loving relationship is not necessarily defined by a ring on a finger anymore not out of choice but probably due to the increasing financial constraints your parents had at the time you were born. Doesn’t mean they didn’t love eachother!”
So there you have it. Our insults are not really insulting at all.
The next time someone pulls out in front of me I will show them my left eyebrow before shouting, “You sexually active; completely normal bloke who ensures a healthy prostate gland! What were you sex doing? Procreate and spread your genetic code off you favourite place of most men!”
I think they’ll get the message.