Illness, T.V & Sex

This week I’ve been off work, ill.

Unfortunately, if you’re not in bed trying to sleep it off, day dribbling into your pillow, then you’re in front of the T.V with a hot drink and as many over the counter drugs you can get your hands on without the need to call an ambulance and get your stomach pumped.

I was flicking through the channels when I reached This Morning, with Phil and Holly and they were just about to start their sex phone in. I admit, I thought this should be interesting so I put the remote down and grabbed my hot drink, settling into the perfect viewing position.

The first caller was a lady who had split up from her husband, they had both had other relationships and now they are back together again. She was struggling to deal with the fact that her husband had been intimate with someone else. Holly was straight in there saying that her husband might be feeling the same thing. She’s wise beyond her years is Holly.Phil just nodded in agreement. Out of his depth, clearly.

Next caller was a young lady who’s just had her second child and feels that the intimacy has fizzled out. Again, Holly was straight in there saying that it’s normal when you’ve just had a child. You’re too knackered for any hanky panky. The sex therapist recommended setting aside five minutes on a regular basis specifically for hopping on the good foot and doing the bad thing. I’m paraphrasing there. The one thing that stood out to me, (no pun intended) was that five minutes isn’t much time at all is it? If he’s wearing overalls and work boots for instance, it could take a good three minutes to get undressed! Even if he was primed and ready to rock, it’s assuming that he hasn’t got much stamina.

After that call, Phil said, “We’re almost out of time but we’ve got time for one more quick one,” I admit I was wondering where he was going with this. He meant a call. A call from another Phil. I’m paraphrasing again but this is what he basically said:

“I’m 65, my wife’s 35. We’ve been together 19 years and we’ve got 5 kids, the youngest is two. We’re at it hammer and tongs on a daily basis! We love a bit of it. Drop the kids off at nursery or school, Boom! Straight back to bed. Boom! Love it! Boom!”

Presenter Phil then ended the call by saying, “We’ve ended on a happy one there,” in other words, a happy ending. Yes Phil; a happy ending. I saw what you did there you sly fox.

It wasn’t such a happy ending for the viewers who wanted to get through because they had genuine problems though. All thanks to a geriatric Russell Brand who thought he’d just ring through to a national television programme and gloat about how he and his considerably younger wife are banging more often than the Kodo school of taiko drumming!

 

 

Then an ad break but not before a message from Loose Women about today’s show.

I wondered if that was some sort of tedious link.

 

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