What Is A Melon?

What is a Melon?


Seems like a straightforward question doesn’t it? I know it’s a very delicious and juicy fruit but what I’m really trying to get at here is what does a melon mean?


I’m old school. Some might call me a purist. I don’t really do abbreviations when I text. I use full words, correct grammar and punctuation and I take pride in this. I’ve been told by friends that I am the only friend that they don’t abbreviate for when texting. I don’t get many texts to be honest.


I’ve got a bloody GCSE in English and I’m going to use it damn it!


So when it comes to texting, I like to write things out fully. You won’t get even the slightest whiff of, “C U L8r m8,” or “Loooooooooool.” What does that even mean? Okay, I understand that “LOL” means laugh out loud or lots of laughs or something that makes sense from the abbreviation. To some degree even I don’t cringe at that, but what’s with the several Os in between the laughing and the loud?


I am Laughing Overly Openly Octagonally On One Of Oliver’s Ostriches Out Loudly?!?


So yes, I admit, I cringe when I see text speak because I feel that the language is no longer evolving; it’s showing laziness by reducing the letters and opting for a phonetic approach to words. We’re not even bound by a limit of characters anymore! It’s not 1998! I’m a firm believer of go hard or go home. Even with texting. Do it properly or not at all.


I now realise that I may be coming across as a bit anal. I am actually okay to be around. Just ask my estranged Mother.


But now texting has moved on to another level with little pictures known as emoticons. We’ve moved on from deconstructing the English language, we’ve moved on with random images. A 21st century hieroglyphics.


Smiley faces and thumbs up, I can deal with. I’m not a complete heartless bastard. But, there are some occasions where I don’t know the context or the relevance to the message I have been sent.


It’s not just a kids thing either. One of my pals is in his fifties and he’s one of the worst I know. Scissor hands, monkey face, punch fist all while texting me a running commentary about Strictly Come Dancing.


Another friend of mine is all over these little emoticon things. His messages are even more nonsensical. He sent a message whilst I was out having a nice meal with Mrs Grump one evening. She returned to the table to see me in a state of confusion. We then started a conversation about the meaning of what these emoticons meant, particularly, the melon. It just had no context to anything unless you were texting someone a fruit salad recipe or a shopping list.


“Ask him,” Mrs Grump wisely said. So I did.

“He’s replied with another melon,” I replied.


So then we became, that couple. The couple who, whilst out on a date night, sit there staring at their phones. But it wasn’t to catch up on the events unfolding on Strictly Come Dancing; we already knew that someone had to punch a scissor-wielding monkey in the face. Mrs Grump and I were partaking in research to aid our discussion and learning about this strange world of emoticons. I know, riveting stuff!


Mrs Grump found a concise list of emoticons and their meanings. God bless Google and 4G.


“I’ve found a good page with a full list,” she said. She scrolled and scrolled and scrolled and scrolled and continued to do so for quite a while. “There are loads,” she said. I just sat there patiently contemplating what had driven a monkey to go on a scissor-wielding rampage and who would be brave enough to take him on.


“I’ve found it,” said Mrs Grump at last. “Great, what does it mean? I have to know the meaning of the melon!”


She stared at her screen, coming to terms with the mass of information. I could only guess that there are some things that are best left unsaid. The burden of knowing such a thing can be a huge weight to carry.


“The melon means….














…. melon.”


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