Not The Look I Was Going For

I used to have a retro leather jacket. It was great. I loved that jacket but it was when Mrs Grump said that I was starting to look like I had a kind of Hobo Chique going on that it was time to get rid of it and find a replacement. 

I’ve had a couple of non-leather jackets since which were nowhere near as cool and retro as the one I had. They just weren’t the same. I just haven’t felt right since. So for the past couple of years I’ve needed to find another cool leather jacket that fits me well. 

Today I saw a strong contender. I tried it on, it fit perfectly and it was the only one of it’s kind left in store and on top of that, it was almost half price! Surely this was meant to be!?! Surely, this was kismet?!?

I needed a second opinion. I dashed to find Mrs Grump lurking amongst the make up counters of the nearest department store, trying her best to get some oxygen amongst the heavy cocktail of perfumes that had been sprayed on unsuspecting passers by. 

After a dash back to the other store, I uncovered the hidden jacket, (oh I know how to play the game my friends) and wearing the jacket, I asked for Mrs Grumps honest and sometimes cutting opinion. 

“It’s a nice Jacket,” she says. 

So far, so good, I thought. 

“Yeah, it fits you well,” she says. 

Positive, this is going well, I thought. 

And that was it. She added no more. I was going to have to push this. 

“Does it suit me?” I ask, “Or do I look like a dick?”

“You don’t look like a dick,” She replied.  

What did that mean? It seemed like there was an imminent “but” due which never materialised. 

“It’s different to your normal look,” she follows up with. Which is a fair comment but that’s because generally speaking, I don’t think I have a “look” apart from a bespectacled Birmingham based bald bloke. No doubt I have a small collection of head wear for all occasions and some of that head wear would be redundant with this jacket, but I also have other options and I don’t actually think that a bald head looks bad with this jacket. 

Because it’s very difficult finding a decent style as a bald man, let me tell you. Sometimes I have to google famous bald men to see what their style is and what potentially looks good. Obviously avoiding any photos of Richard O’Brien during his Crystal Maze days. I haven’t got the legs for leggings, cowboy boots and leopard print coats. 

But seriously, it’s amazing the sheer amount of style choices you have as a follically gifted person. Only bald brothers would know the struggle. 

I needed to make a decision and then came the classic mantra from Mrs Grump; the mantra that empowers the indecisive shopping wife or girlfriend, you know the one, “You can always bring it back.”

Yes, yes I can always bring it back for I will have the all empowering receipt!! 

I took a decision and bought the leather jacket and damn it, I felt like I was almost my old self again. 

Later, whilst Mrs Grump continues to wander the aisles of the ladies wear section of a second department store, to purchase something to bring back next week no doubt, I stopped in a carbon copy costa coffee shop, and as the soya milk curdled in my coffee, decided to google “bald man leather jacket.”

I expected to see pictures of Jason Statham, Bruce Willis and perhaps even Billy Zane who have all embraced their baldness with pride. I needed a boost of confidence. 

But instead, the very first image I see is:



This is definitely not the look I’m going for. 

At least I’ve got the receipt. 


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