Batman V Superman Script Leaked

Following the release of the trailers for the forthcoming, highly anticipated Batman V Superman movie in March 2016, I’ve managed to locate a leaked part of the script from when Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne face off.

It’s gripping stuff.

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InterGrumpy! The Grumpy Young Bloke’s Top 15 Annoying Things About Watching Interstellar **SPOILER ALERT**

Intersteller

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It’s a bit late but you’ll get over it. Yes, I got sucked into all of the hype about Interstellar. I was intrigued. I was hooked. I was a bit disappointed at the end.

 

Here are the top 15 things that pissed me off in ascending order.

 

15) The dramatic music went on and on and on and on and on aaaaannnnnnddddd oooooooonnnnnnnn!!

 

14) Where did they do their laundry?

INTERSTELLAR

I’m really sorry. I think I put a black sock in with the whites.

13) So your Father communicates via a 5th dimension, behind the bookcase and using a watch. You discover an amazing theory. Your Father is discovered when you’re an old woman and you travel for some time to meet him. Eventually you meet him but you’re on your deathbed surrounded by your family. When your Father arrives, you don’t introduce him to your family. He is after all their Grandfather / Great Grandfather. No you send them out, have a brief chat about how you’ve lived your own life and then tell him to piss off. He’s okay with that. He doesn’t seem interested in meeting the rest of his family either but then again, if my extended family didn’t appreciate the efforts I’d gone to, to save the human race and help my daughter unlock one of the mysteries of the universe, I wouldn’t have much to do with them either.Jeremy Kyle

You communicated from the 5th dimension, saved the human race and they didn’t even say hello?

12) The wormhole was near Saturn. The black hole was somewhere on the other side of space. When he eventually came out of the black hole, how did he end up back near Saturn?

 

11) The best pilot NASA had who happens to also be a top engineer has been farming for a while. Luckily, he wasn’t that far away from their secret base. Anyway, he then just pops off to space with seemingly no training, no preparation for the G forces, nothing. He’s good to go.

Interstellar Cooper

Of course I know what I’m doing. Come on, if we hurry up, we can get back for Eastenders.

 

10) That black guy aged well didn’t he? Twenty something years waiting for the others to return and he’s still fresh faced! What moisturiser does he use? Get me some!

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No you can’t use my moisturiser.

9) To create gravity, the space ship spun, I assume to create centrifugal force. But, when they stopped the ship from spinning, the gravity remained.

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It’s amazing what you can make by up-cycling old air conditioning units.

8) When communicating through the book case, how did he know the exact co-ordinates of the NASA facility? Maybe he remembered them from when he was told by the message the first time round, but how did that detail initially come to be? He knew it because his future self told him but his future self only knew it because in the past his future self told him?

 

7) In the 5th Dimension, behind the bookcase, Matthew McConoughey’s character uses Morse code to say, “Stay.” But he had already been told by his daughter that the message said that but he didn’t listen to it, so why say the same message knowing that you wouldn’t listen?

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Don’t worry. It’s nothing supernatural. Just a Hollywood star communicating from the 5th Dimension!

 

6) The sound. There were times when I couldn’t hear what was being said. The vocals were too low and the music too high. Christopher Nolan said he meant for this to happen. Come on. Really? Isn’t that the worst excuse in the world? We’ve all tripped, fallen over and then when laughed at by our friends said, “Yeah, I meant for that to happen.” That excuse seems so lame.

 

5) Matthew McConaughey’s character seemed to not give a shit about his son as the film went on. He was soon forgotten. Great parenting there. Only care about your intelligent daughter who resents you for leaving and forget about the son who wasn’t as bright but tried to carry on the family farming tradition and made an effort to keep in touch.

Jeremy Kyle

You forgot about your son? No wonder your relatives didn’t want to know!

4) The whole fifth dimension thing and their creators. “Don’t you see? They’ve built a 3 dimensional space inside their 5 dimensional reality.” What? “They’ve created this.” Who have? Seemed to allude to the whole wormhole and fifth dimension thing being created by humans from the future. But if they needed him to get there to communicate with his daughter so that she can save the human race to therefore create the future humans who would create this thing, how would they be there in the first place to create the portal because she hasn’t calculated how to get them there yet?

 

3) The fridges. They weren’t fridges, they were robots but they looked like fridges to me. They pissed me off. The way they moved, their attitude, everything.

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Man stalked by fridge.

 

2) The gravity and time shift thing. I don’t understand how that works but it was clever really because it shifted the gravity of the cinema, making the three hour film feel like it was eight.

 

1) The people behind us continued to eat crisps (Potato chips to my American friends). It sounded like they had all raided the crisp aisle of Tescos. Interstellar? Intercrisps!

 

 

So to summarise, a wormhole lead to a black hole, which lead to plot holes. And if Uri Gellar had looked at the watch and fixed it, the human race would have been f*cked!

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Don’t worry, I’ve fixed your watch, everything is going to be okay.

Grumpy DVD Review – Escape Plan **SPOILER ALERT**

ESCAPE PLAN

You probably weren’t stupid enough to see this at the cinema. But if you are even slightly intrigued, as I was, to see if this interesting premise could be worth watching, look no further!

 

Synopsis: An elderly Conan the Barbarian with veneers and a goatee escapes from the most inescapable prison ever made, thanks to the films main character, Ray Breslin, an ex lawyer, ex Rocky waxwork that was left too long in the sun, who’s main job is to escape from prisons as a form of grief counselling. However this time, he’s been set up by none other than….. his business partner. Luckily these geriatrics escape the prison which transpires to be the most stable and rock steady cargo ship in the entire world thanks to the mask wearing military prison guards who can’t shoot in a straight line and can’t even shoot these two men running with a combined age of 486.

Ray eventually gets his revenge on his business partner which transpires to be so insignificant at the end, you could easily miss it if you are quickly updating your Facebook status exclaiming how ridiculous this film is.

 

Summary: Two hours, I won’t get back. Two words for you, Vinnie Jones.

 

Five star rating: Five Star were an eighties british pop group. They were shit although their track, System Addict is a classic. No, I wouldn’t rate Escape Plan as good as this.

 

How Grumpy did this make you?: The equivalent of going to the doctors and being told there’s nothing wrong with you. But you know there’s definitely something wrong with you! That’s GPs for you. We’re just part of a system, on the conveyor belt, getting five minutes or so with the doctor and no more. Being ushered out with your trousers still around your ankles. I’m digressing aren’t I?