Scary Women Of The 90’s

I was listening to BBC radio 6music the other day, which has a feature where they ask listeners to send in the name of their ear-worm. What is an ear-worm? It’s a song that gets into your head and plays over and over, and you just can’t get rid of it. They then pick one and play it for all the other listener’s benefit so they too can have the same ear-worm.

 

The song on that particular day was a blast from the past; from a time of my teenage youth, with bad hair, social awkwardness and fluff on my top lip. The song was En Vogue’s track, Don’t Let Go from 1996.

 

I decided to reminisce and find the video on Youtube that evening. Here it is for your enjoyment:

 

 

Now as an adult watching this, I realised a few things which I didn’t really take any notice of when I was fifteen. I would like to share with you the things I realised as an adult watching this music video and listening to the lyrics, which basically ruined my memory of what I thought was a 90’s R&B classic.

 

So, the premise of the video, four, strong, powerful, dominant and slightly scary women are singing at a house party to one chap who has had a fling with all of them. They’re intimidating in a sexy kind of way but still kind of scary and rather than try to brutally murder the “player” and rip his testicles off, fashioning his scrotum into some kind of shower cap “Player” trophy (I bet the tall one with big hair would find that quite useful to be honest) which, they could share by way of a rota system on a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet (It was around back then; I’ve checked); they decided to all get up and sing to him in a powerful, emotional and slightly aggressive way.

These intimidating ladies are all singing about how they want to get beyond the friend zone and then the arrogant guy at the end looks in a contemplative yet slightly guilty mood. This video is a contradiction. It flies in the face of Girl Power because they all still want him despite what he’s been doing. Was that an acceptable thing to do in the 90’s? See four women until they collaborate and sing at a house party so you then have to decide which one you want? Surely based on this video and the sass that these girls are giving it should be a song saying, “Stop being a “Player” you shit!” That would be more befitting of this video.

 

Putting the premise of the video and the sexy yet scary women to one side; let’s have a look at the lyrics. As an adult man, I’ve listened to these lyrics and feel that they too are a little bit scary and very full on. I tried to explain this to my friend and comedy collaborator, Paul, who said that he thought I was really taking things too literally. I’m not so sure. Let’s have a look at some of the lyrics. I’ll put my comments underneath some of the lines, sometimes responding to what they’re singing.

 

What’s it gonna be ‘cuz I can’t pretend
(Note to self, don’t play charades with these ladies!)
Don’t you want to be more than friends
(Based on what I’ve seen in the video, that’s more than friendly behaviour. I mean, I’ve never said to my mate Malcolm, “Hey, Malc, why don’t you writhe on a bed while I film you? Come on, it’ll be a laugh! Where are you going?”)
Hold me tight and don’t let go
(Should I let go slightly if you start to struggle breathing?)
Don’t let go
(Okay, I won’t)
You have the right to lose control
(I won’t lose control, but you might if you become uncomfortable and then it’ll turn into a kind of control and restraint situation, then it’ll get awkward, I’ll probably get hurt and the evening will be ruined.)
Don’t let go
(Alright, don’t say I didn’t warn you.)
I often tell myself that we could be more than just friends 
(The video says to me that it’s already way past the friend zone!)
I know you think that if we move too soon it would all end
(To be honest, have you seen the clips of what he was doing? Have I lived that much of a sheltered life? Is that taking things slow? I thought a nice stroll around an art gallery with a bite to eat and a drink or two is a standard evening for the first three years. Not undies, camcorders, stripping and making the windows steam up in the back of a car!)
I live in misery when you’re not around
(Ah, that’s nice isn’t it? It’s nice to be wanted.)
And I won’t be satisfied till we’re taking those vows
(WOAH!!!!! Hold on a minute. I mean there’s getting some loving and then there’s THAT!)
Seriously though, was that acceptable in the 90’s? Can you imagine if a man said that? Even in the context of this music video! “Listen love, I know you’ve slept with me and my three mates here, some might call you a Slut, but let me be honest with you, I want to take it further and when I say further, I mean full on marriage! Will you marry me? What do you say? Oh, and if you’re pregnant, we’re going on Jeremy Kyle.”
There’ll be some love makin’, (Great!), heart breakin’, (Not Great!), soul shakin’ love 
(Is that like exorcism?)

Love makin’, heart breakin’, soul shakin’…

What’s it gonna be ‘cuz I can’t pretend
Don’t you want to be more than friends
Hold me tight and don’t let go
Don’t let go
You have the right to lose control
Don’t let go

I often fantasize the stars above are watching you,

(What, like Prince and Michael Jackson?)
They know my heart, it speaks to yours like only lovers do
(Ah, that’s nice isn’t it?)
If I could wear your clothes I’d pretend I was you and lose control
(AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!)
So here’s something else that was apparently okay in the 90’s. Ladies, dressing up in their men’s clothes and pretending to be them. I’ll be honest, if I came home to Mrs Grump, dressed in my clothes, with a swimming cap on to represent my baldness and writing a strongly worded complaint letter to someone, then I’d be pretty freaked out. But what also strikes me is how blatant it is, how disparate the equality of the sexes back in the 90’s. You see, back then, if a man was discovered wearing his wife’s boob tube and miniskirt, doing the ironing, he would be ridiculed and would probably lose all respect from his significant other. That’s why it was always done in private when the wife went to the shops. It was always, “His little secret,” and little did you now what Bob at work, really got up to in his spare time. But clearly, it was perfectly acceptable in pop culture for women to do that very same thing and openly sing about it at house parties! I hope that we’ve come a long way in the past twenty years, to the point where either gender would freak out equally on discovering their partner had been rummaging through the wrong underwear drawer and trying things on.
There’ll be some love makin’, heart breakin’, soul shakin’ love
Love makin’, heart breakin’, soul shakin’… What’s it gonna be ‘cuz I can’t pretend 
Don’t you want to be more than friends
Hold me tight and don’t let go
Don’t let go
You have the right to lose control
Don’t let go

Runnin in and outta my life
Has got me so confused
You gotta make the sacrifice
Somebody’s gotta choose
We can make it if we try
For the sake of you and I
Together we can make it right

(Can’t keep a running)
(In and outta my life outta my outta my life)
(You’ve got the right, you’ve got the right, I said ayou’ve got the
right to loooose controol yeah)

(The clearly blatant overuse of vowels here, to be frank, is off putting. I could never be with someone for such a blatant disregard of correct English language and grammaaaaaaar!)
What’s it gonna be ‘cuz I can’t pretend
Don’t you want to be more than friends
Hold me tight and don’t let go
Don’t let go
You have the right to lose control
Don’t let go Don’t let go
Don’t let go

What’s it gonna be ‘cuz I can’t pretend
Don’t you want to be more than friends
Hold me tight and don’t let go
Don’t let go
You have the right to lose control
Don’t let go

What’s it gonna be (don’t let go)
Don’t you want to be (don’t let go)
Hold me tight and don’t let go (don’t let go)

The rest of the song is much the same, but it does leave you wondering how the man dealt with that quandary because if he does pick one of those scary lasses, he’s got another three pissed off ones to contend with. I’d probably just leave town.
So there you have it, the ear worm that led me to a completely new, modern understanding of a classic 90’s R&B song.
I’ve taken it too literally haven’t I?
P.S, Feel free to play the video and then sing along. I know I have a few times.
Oh and please like, share and follow.
Thanks
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The Arse Parrot

The joys of commuting. The wonderful experience of being crammed into a small metal box with a bunch of strangers with varying degrees of personal hygiene is without doubt, one of the hilights of my day.

Take today, for example, I had positioned myself with an optimum chance of getting on the train within the first wave of commuters. This skill comes through daily practice of studying where the train doors will be when the train stops. Over time I have harnessed a skill like that of clairvoyance, knowing roughly, exactly, where abouts, approximately the train will accurately stop and therefore where to stand relative to the doors for optimum boarding efficiency. I pride myself in my accuracy these days, although it’s probably not the most interesting thing to brag about, especially at a training session at work during the introductions where you share an interesting fact about yourself during an “Ice-breaker.” Yes, you might have someone in the group who travelled to Africa to help build a well for an impoverished community; someone who trialled for a Premier League football team; or someone who met Paula Abdul whilst shopping for athlete’s foot cream in Boots the chemist; but throwing your hat in the ring, regaling the room with how you know exactly where the doors of the train are going to stop, unfortunately, doesn’t impress anyone.

Today was no exception with my train boarding abilities my friends, and I was one of the first wave to board the train. The choice of seats available to me was a joyous sight indeed; the spoils of my hard work being the choice of a rapidly decreasing number of available seats. Granted, not all of the seats would be an option. It depends how filthy they are and if there is any question of whether a stain is wet or dry, it’s just not worth the risk. Today, however, I opted to not delve quite so deep into the carriage, because I knew that the train was going to get very busy and the deeper into the carriage I am, the greater the slog to wade my way through a sea of commuters to get back to a door. Crowd surfing hasn’t been trialled yet but I think it’s a good idea. My stop was the third one along and so I decided to take a stain-free, aisle seat, next to a young lady and near the door.

This was my mistake. 

At the next station, a further mass of miserable office workers pile onto the train, making the population of commuters much denser. It was then that I felt a pressure on my left shoulder. I was not prepared for what I was about to find; for as I turned my head to the left, I found staring right at me, perched comfortably on my shoulder, a man’s arse. This bloke was taking liberties here. I mean, who did he think he was, perched on my shoulder, casually, like a boy band member, dressed in white, on a stool about to sing a tender love song to a bunch of screaming thirteen year olds in 1994! 

I din’t think this was a conscious decision by the man. I think it just happened but still, it was just there, as bold a brass, perched neatly on my shoulder. I’d had a long day at work, (well, it felt long); I didn’t want my face to be in such close proximity to another man’s exit hole, with only a couple of layers of material keeping us apart. That is assuming of course, that he wasn’t going commando.

I was hemmed in, I had nowhere to go and the owner of this anus was also squashed in, hence the shoulder stool he had found. My range of movement was minimal. I did what I could, I leaned away to my right. 

This, I could tell, made the lady to my right a bit uncomfortable because now she had a strange, yet ruggedly good looking and bald man, leaning towards her. She responded by also leaning to her right as far as she could go, which wasn’t far at all. 

This wouldn’t have been as bad, if that had been the end of it. But now sensing the space behind him, the owner of the balloon knot filled the space once again resting it on my shoulder like a Shitting Arse Parrot, like I was some sort of posterior pirate called Captain Brown-Eye. It was disgusting.

My only other option, because I couldn’t lean further to the right, I’d have been resting my head on the lady’s shoulder which to be honest, would have felt a bit like cheating, and on a packed train full of people, the female scream draws a lot of attention. So I leaned forward, and the cheeks kind of flopped behind me. I wondered whether to flip reverse the awkwardness by now leaning back to rest my head again his buttock like a fleshy gluteus cushion. Of course, I didn’t. That would be ridiculous and very wrong. So instead, I was now practically doubled up like I had a stomach cramp. Oh well, just two more stops to go.

At my stop, I stood up and followed my “close friend” off the train. He was taller than I and so I did think that this could have been avoided if he was a couple of inches shorter. But equally, I was also grateful that he hadn’t opted to turn around. It could have been like a scarf over the back of a chair! That would have been worse, surely. 

I have to count my blessings also in that he didn’t have jacket potato and beans for lunch. Every cloud I guess.

So let this be a warning to you, out there, in the urban jungle, these are unwritten rules of commuting. Never opt for an aisle seat, near the door on a packed train. 

Or, if you’re standing and it’s very cramped, consider a shoulder stool. 

Maybe that’s why large shoulder pads died out after the eighties?

P.S: If you’re wondering the relevance of the above image, I searched for Arse Parrot and that’s what came up. 

May I present to you: It Happens

Hello.

So, I’ve written a sitcom and after 6 years and a lot of hard work, a short teaser episode has been made. Maybe, one of the days I’ll write about how we got to this point.

This has been one of the best things I have ever done. To put words on paper, work hard to get the funding to make it and then to be in a room surrounded by a cast and crew who are so passionate about bringing your words to life is one of the most incredible things I’ve ever experienced.

It’s only right that I share it with you fine people.

The first season is written and ready to go. We have music, we have some of the cast, we have a director so a lot of the work is already done. We want to be able to pitch this and get this made. To get to this point in itself is a huge personal achievement for me, but I don’t want this to be a full stop.

So, if you enjoy this, please like, comment and share it about. Let’s spread the word of it happens and if you tweet this #Ithappens & #braining. But don’t necessarily do any braining. That’ll make sense when you watch it.

Thanks

Not The Look I Was Going For

I used to have a retro leather jacket. It was great. I loved that jacket but it was when Mrs Grump said that I was starting to look like I had a kind of Hobo Chique going on that it was time to get rid of it and find a replacement. 

I’ve had a couple of non-leather jackets since which were nowhere near as cool and retro as the one I had. They just weren’t the same. I just haven’t felt right since. So for the past couple of years I’ve needed to find another cool leather jacket that fits me well. 

Today I saw a strong contender. I tried it on, it fit perfectly and it was the only one of it’s kind left in store and on top of that, it was almost half price! Surely this was meant to be!?! Surely, this was kismet?!?

I needed a second opinion. I dashed to find Mrs Grump lurking amongst the make up counters of the nearest department store, trying her best to get some oxygen amongst the heavy cocktail of perfumes that had been sprayed on unsuspecting passers by. 

After a dash back to the other store, I uncovered the hidden jacket, (oh I know how to play the game my friends) and wearing the jacket, I asked for Mrs Grumps honest and sometimes cutting opinion. 

“It’s a nice Jacket,” she says. 

So far, so good, I thought. 

“Yeah, it fits you well,” she says. 

Positive, this is going well, I thought. 

And that was it. She added no more. I was going to have to push this. 

“Does it suit me?” I ask, “Or do I look like a dick?”

“You don’t look like a dick,” She replied.  

What did that mean? It seemed like there was an imminent “but” due which never materialised. 

“It’s different to your normal look,” she follows up with. Which is a fair comment but that’s because generally speaking, I don’t think I have a “look” apart from a bespectacled Birmingham based bald bloke. No doubt I have a small collection of head wear for all occasions and some of that head wear would be redundant with this jacket, but I also have other options and I don’t actually think that a bald head looks bad with this jacket. 

Because it’s very difficult finding a decent style as a bald man, let me tell you. Sometimes I have to google famous bald men to see what their style is and what potentially looks good. Obviously avoiding any photos of Richard O’Brien during his Crystal Maze days. I haven’t got the legs for leggings, cowboy boots and leopard print coats. 

But seriously, it’s amazing the sheer amount of style choices you have as a follically gifted person. Only bald brothers would know the struggle. 

I needed to make a decision and then came the classic mantra from Mrs Grump; the mantra that empowers the indecisive shopping wife or girlfriend, you know the one, “You can always bring it back.”

Yes, yes I can always bring it back for I will have the all empowering receipt!! 

I took a decision and bought the leather jacket and damn it, I felt like I was almost my old self again. 

Later, whilst Mrs Grump continues to wander the aisles of the ladies wear section of a second department store, to purchase something to bring back next week no doubt, I stopped in a carbon copy costa coffee shop, and as the soya milk curdled in my coffee, decided to google “bald man leather jacket.”

I expected to see pictures of Jason Statham, Bruce Willis and perhaps even Billy Zane who have all embraced their baldness with pride. I needed a boost of confidence. 

But instead, the very first image I see is:

….

…..


This is definitely not the look I’m going for. 

At least I’ve got the receipt. 

More Irony

I was in the work kitchen, preparing the staple of British nutrition, English Breakfast tea, in a mug given to me by the workplace at Christmas. Everyone was given a personalised mug with their name and cartoon character depicting them. It was a nice touch. 

My cartoon character looks more like Mr Bean with glasses than me. And… AND he has a better hairline!! It may as well be bloody Oprah Winfrey on the mug!

Next to me stood a young lady who was filling her mug (brought from home. Maybe she wasn’t impressed with the likeness either) with cereal. When quizzed by colleagues she explained that she felt a bowl looked untidy on a desk as opposed to a mug. 

“You go girlfriend,” I didn’t say, but I did think that she could do whatever she wanted and I couldn’t really care less. I just needed my caffeine. 

In close proximity stood an odd fellow. One of her colleagues. He leans close to me so that I can feel his breath hit my face as he whispers, “I have to work with her every day. She’s as thick as shit.”

I didn’t respond to this coarse whisper. I didn’t give him the satisfaction of a nod and a chuckle to concur with his degrading judgement of her with an air of misogyny.  

To be honest, I wanted to verbally destroy this man, but I didn’t because I thought that he wouldn’t remember the reference. Because, to some odd people, being a complete moose knuckle is a daily occurrence. It is simply who they are. So an act that was completely stupid, mind boggling and bizarre to the likes of me and the incredibly intelligent reader of this blog, and which therefore by default stands out as an unusual event, to the odd fellow, gets lost in the daily randomness of their brain farts. 

You see this is the very man who I witnessed with my own eyes (who invented that stupid statement? When do you ever borrow someone’s eyes to witness something? This isn’t Minority Report!) on his hands and knees on the floor of the gent’s toilets, looking at the wet floor under the hand dryer, then looking up at the hand dryer and announcing that, “It must have a leak.”

I shit you not! 

Furthermore, he thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to wear a white canvas belt with work trousers. 

So when it comes to sneering comments about intelligence based on someone wanting to use a mug instead of a bowl, with his track record of thinking a Dyson Air Blade, an electrical appliance for drying your hands has a water feed pipe, I really don’t think there is any denying who isn’t the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. 

Meanwhile in Budapest….

It’s seriously chucking it down. If I wanted shit weather I could have saved on air fare. 

So I’m sat in a Costa with a croissant and coffee to perk me up. There are a handful of other customers looking miserable, as though they’ve made the decision to wait until the rain passes before venturing out once again, and have realised that the rain is here for the day, so now they’re trapped in a carbon copy Costa for the next 24 hours. 

The Baristas have a relatively unfriendly nature to them by Western standards. This is a common theme that Mrs Grump and I have found during our time here. If they work behind a till, they seem to have a hatred of all human beings. When making a purchase, I’m always feeling like I’ve been told off or my mere presence has pissed them off. Again, I could have saved on air fare for that experience. 

Is it because I’m English? I’m thinking of getting a T-shirt printed saying, “Hey, I voted Remain!”

Last night I ordered a couple of drinks in a restaurant with a wonderful romantic view. I opted for alcohol, Mrs Grump wanted a strawberry soda. The waiter brought over a cider. I did the very British thing of explaining that there’s been a mistake and that I ordered a strawberry soda, not cider and yet still included an apology in there even though it was no fault of mine. “It’s probably his accent, he’s from Birmingham,” Mrs Grump tried to explain. This, of course, meant absolutely nothing to the waiter who pulled a face like that of finding a dirty nappy on your doorstep. 

Back to the coffee shop and apart from the customer service skills of an aggressive verruca, the miserable atmosphere, miserable weather and the fact that the soya milk I requested doesn’t seem to want to mingle with my coffee, all is well. 

I’m reflecting as our trip is coming to an end and Mrs Grump and I have had a great time in this beautiful city. I would recommend a visit. There is so much to do that if you’re not careful, you’ll need another holiday to rest from all the running about. 

Then the Barista puts some music on to create a pleasant atmosphere. Some electronic, techno type of music that belongs in a fight scene from a Blade movie. 

Now imagine the scene before me if you will. Whilst this pounding fight scene soundtrack thumps through the speakers in this carbon copy Costa, a miserable old lady dunks her biscuit into her tea and tragically suffers the consequence of an overly saturated biscuit. 

Poor woman. She’ll have biscuit gunk at the bottom of her tea now. At least the soundtrack to the biscuit’s demise was befitting. 

I’m Innocent Damn It!

This may or may not surprise you. But despite my air of cool and calm sophistication I am a bit of a nerd at times. Particularly, when it comes to things about local history and especially old train tracks. I don’t know why but I love looking for old train tracks and finding things out about local train lines. Perhaps in a previous incarnation I was, y’know, a steam train.

 

I don’t know about the old engines or anything like that, I just like knowing where the tracks and stations were and I let my imagination send me back in time to a bygone era. There is an old line not far from where we live now. The line was known as the Harborne Express but it eventually got closed down because it was just too slow. Oh, the irony!

 

The track has been converted into a pleasant walk through an area called Chad Valley and so I ventured to find this walk and partake in the splendour of a pleasant Sunday afternoon stroll.

Harborneline3

The weather was a real mixture and therefore I opted to take the standard bald man item of protection. No, not a Taser, the baseball cap to shield my sensitive naked scalp from the harmful rays of the sun. Because it was also a bit breezy at times, I took a hoodie. Yes, if there’s one lesson I can impart on you, dear reader, it is to always be ready for the elements.

 

I found the pathway that followed the single train track from a hundred years ago. The banks either side rose high with fauna and trees causing a natural haphazard shelter from the elements.

 

As I started strolling along, I did wonder whether there was any risk of being mugged because I won’t lie to you, I was heading towards an area that wasn’t exactly Kensington and having grown up where I did, it is natural to always consider whether there is a risk of being mugged, beaten up or both. Some call it being streetwise, I call it avoiding getting beaten up.

 

As I passed through a tunnel under a main road, I kept my wits about me and although I had my earphones in, I was listening to some stand up comedy on Radio 4, so I would still be able to hear anyone shouting, “Give us ya money bitch,” which I believe is the standard call of the would be assailant.

 

I passed a junkie on the way and she looked at me rather suspiciously. I thought that was ironic as I was a bald man in his mid thirties who was listening to radio 4. But as I continued to stroll along, I started to see more people enjoying the route. An elderly woman jogging, then an elderly man jogging, then a couple cycling and this started to assure me of my relative safety on this route. Because, let’s face it, the old people are easier targets than I am, right?

 

But I started to notice that I was in fact getting looks along the route and I wondered if it was because of my glasses and cap combination, which look like a standard spy disguise. But then it dawned on me; the reason for the funny looks. There I was, a man walking alone, along a pathway, which could be a bit dicey should any unsavoury characters frequent it and I was wearing trainers, jeans, a hoodie and a cap. Forgetting the glasses and classic spy disguise for one minute, I realised in that moment that I was in fact dressed like a classic bad guy in a Crimewatch reconstruction.

 

I was not the enemy here and at first I thought that it is better to be considered a threat than a victim like jogging Doris from earlier. But of course that depends on your point of perspective because what if something criminally untoward should happen along that stretch of pathway? Then I’m straight in the frame for it aren’t I?

 

So for much of the pavement I felt like I was being judged by every lone female who passed me, every elderly person who jogged past and I’m sure even a couple of dogs and a squirrel gave me dirty looks.

 

I needed to appear less criminal, so I removed my hat and revealed my smooth, freshly shaved dome. Now I resembled someone who had alopecia or who was on their way back from chemo. I felt chuffed that now I wasn’t getting any dodgy looks because to the outside observer, I was quite simply, a bald man enjoying a leisurely stroll and yes, probably listening to radio 4.

 

Of course, my relief was short lived because what if someone in a hoodie and baseball cap did commit a crime along this walk at some point. Fingers will still be pointing in my direction. But at least for some of this walk I was an assumed innocent bald man.

 

But then, a moment of terror. As I strolled under another main road, through a small tunnel, suddenly from nowhere, there was shouting from immediately behind me. This made me jump out of my skin to the point where I actually fell off the pavement. The pavement was raised by about an inch but I still somehow fell off it, going over on my ankle and into the wall of the tunnel. Yes, it was pathetic.

As I turned to see the source of this terror, I discovered two, elderly, foreign gentlemen, jogging slowly in bad lycra and wearing headphones. One of which, clearly didn’t realise how loud he had decided to talk to his friend and so suddenly bellowed something as they entered the tunnel, unaware that at the other end, thanks to his lack of volume control, the acoustics, the darkness and the concentration on radio 4, there was an entirely innocent looking and slightly ill looking bald man about to be startled to the point where he almost emptied his full bladder.

 

Of course, I saw the funny side of this incident. They were totally oblivious to it though. So for a couple of minutes, to the outside observer, I was a bald crazy person laughing to themselves on a dicey pavement near a tunnel.

 

Later, as I came towards the end of my 4.5-mile walk I saw another bald man coming the other way. We gave each other the knowing look as bald men do. We both know the struggle damn it! But then I hoped that it was a friendly “Hello baldy” type of thing and not a “I’m cruising, do you fancy finding a bush?” kind of thing.

 

After convincing myself that it was indeed a “Hello baldy” type thing, it then dawned on me that if he had committed a crime whilst on this walk, his discernible feature was his acute baldness. Shit! Now I could be potentially framed for two criminals; the baseball cap and hoodie wearing assailant and baldy bad man.

 

For the final stretch of the walk I opted for a baseball cap worn backwards because it is highly unlikely that a crime would be committed by an eighties throw-back.

 

I still got looks from various walkers. Not because of looking like a criminal. Probably because I looked like a dick.

 

Maybe next time, I should dress in bad lycra and start screaming as I enter tunnels?

When The Dead contact you.

I was visiting my Aunt and she explained how she believes that her house is haunted. I’ve stayed there and I haven’t experienced anything. Likewise, my Uncle who happens to share the same living space (they’re married after all), hasn’t experienced anything either.

The evidence? Well, my Aunt swears that lights have been switched on and she has awoken in the middle of the night to discover that a TV might be switched on in one of my cousin’s rooms. But my cousins’s aren’t even home.

I can appreciate that this could be an unnerving predicament and I didn’t exactly feel the urge to get out a Ouija Board.

But later, whilst driving home and letting my little Grumpy mind wonder into the unknown reaches of randomness, I pondered further on the logic of this paranormal activity.

Because let’s be honest, if it is a sign from the “other side” then it’s a pretty crap thing to do isn’t it?

To switch on a TV or a light would, I assume, require some form of conscious thought, a definitive choice to take action and to me that shows a distinct lack of imagination. If you were a ghost and wanted to contact someone in the land of the living, what do you really expect to achieve by switching a light on? If anything, it shows a complete disregard for saving energy and fuel bills. Plus, it’s the fact that, well, it doesn’t really tell anyone anything does it? If you can interact with the physical realm albeit switching lights on and off and turning a tv on, why not do something more direct as a form of contact? Why not make a sign like those you see in the crowd at a WWE event?

hhh-fears-divorce-1-1416127007

Instead of “WWE Granny 86 years old,” it would read, “Hey! Aunty Edith says hello. Should have spent the inheritance on something more productive. Love from Uncle Joe. XXX” or “We saw what you did to the neighbours cat and are both disgusted and appalled. We have literally turned in our graves. From Nan and Grandad.”

But then it occurred to me that if it is possible to interact with the physical realm when you are in spirit and if you can actually move around a living space, touch and move things, then why are you mooching around people’s homes when they’re not around? Why not get on a plane and piss off somewhere nice? Why isn’t the Caribbean or Barbados known as the most haunted places on the planet? I’d be getting as much free travel as possible. It’s like the next logical step from a free pensioners bus pass.

Am I thinking too much about this?

Probably.

 

#baldmanproblems

I’ve discovered that I have a “look.” A “look” that’s more common than I realised. Since I bought some new glasses with a thicker frame, it’s become very apparent that I am indeed one of the many who have adopted “The Look.”

It’s like when you purchase a new car. You feel great as you drive around in your red Ford KA and then you see another, then another and another. Your bubble bursts when you realise that every other bloody driver on the road has a red Ford KA.

I’m the same now with my newly discovered “look.” I’m just another bald man with spectacles. Just another bog standard photo fit; another face in the classic 80’s game Guess Who; another creative possibility for a child at Christmas with a new Mr Potato Head.

Get a hard boiled egg. Draw a pair of glasses on it with a marker pen. Congratulations, you’ve just created “The Look.”

The other day I stepped into the reception area of work as I was heading home. I found a colleague who happens to be a bald man (completely shaved like me) with spectacles, signing out. Next to him, the coffee machine repair guy who just so happened to also be bald (completely shaven like us) with spectacles. He also had a striking ginger beard but he still sported “The Look.” He was part of the club.

“Bloody hell,” I said, “Three in a row!” I was genuinely enthused by this moment. I contemplated getting a selfie with them to share on social media to bring joy to all who gazed upon the three bespectacled baldies like we had just been uncovered on some kind of baldy scratch card where three baldies with glasses can win you a hair transplant and laser eye surgery.

Or we could have a selfie with our heads side by side, looking downwards. If we drew nipples on our heads and if the lady on reception stood behind us, we could be recreating that three breasted woman in Total Recall.

three-beasted-hooker

Unfortunately, I wasn’t met with the same level of enthusiasm in return. There’d be no time for banter here; no Total Recall re-enactment today. Personally I think they just need to open their minds.

Anyway, needless to say, I didn’t ask for a selfie.

Then today I left work a little late and had to get a dash on for the train. There’s a fine window of opportunity but who should I see running across my path as I burst through the exit door? Yes, a bald and bespectacled man, heading for the station.

As he ran past other commuters heading in that direction, I realised that my sprint for the train was now redundant. I will not be part of some humorous spectacle like a bald man charity dash or a glitch in the Matrix! I will not be a source of amusement! I was laughed at enough in the playground but not at thirty five damn it!

The fact that he was running in a kind of overly zealous, bouncy, children’s TV presenter way didn’t help and I didn’t want the other commuters to think I was chasing him.

Plus I’d probably try to beat him. It’s completely incongruent with the unwritten urban law of bald brotherhood. A baldy should never go head to head with a baldy.

So to prevent ridicule, I missed the train.

People with hair will never know the struggle.

What Is A Melon?

What is a Melon?

 

Seems like a straightforward question doesn’t it? I know it’s a very delicious and juicy fruit but what I’m really trying to get at here is what does a melon mean?

 

I’m old school. Some might call me a purist. I don’t really do abbreviations when I text. I use full words, correct grammar and punctuation and I take pride in this. I’ve been told by friends that I am the only friend that they don’t abbreviate for when texting. I don’t get many texts to be honest.

 

I’ve got a bloody GCSE in English and I’m going to use it damn it!

 

So when it comes to texting, I like to write things out fully. You won’t get even the slightest whiff of, “C U L8r m8,” or “Loooooooooool.” What does that even mean? Okay, I understand that “LOL” means laugh out loud or lots of laughs or something that makes sense from the abbreviation. To some degree even I don’t cringe at that, but what’s with the several Os in between the laughing and the loud?

 

I am Laughing Overly Openly Octagonally On One Of Oliver’s Ostriches Out Loudly?!?

 

So yes, I admit, I cringe when I see text speak because I feel that the language is no longer evolving; it’s showing laziness by reducing the letters and opting for a phonetic approach to words. We’re not even bound by a limit of characters anymore! It’s not 1998! I’m a firm believer of go hard or go home. Even with texting. Do it properly or not at all.

 

I now realise that I may be coming across as a bit anal. I am actually okay to be around. Just ask my estranged Mother.

 

But now texting has moved on to another level with little pictures known as emoticons. We’ve moved on from deconstructing the English language, we’ve moved on with random images. A 21st century hieroglyphics.

 

Smiley faces and thumbs up, I can deal with. I’m not a complete heartless bastard. But, there are some occasions where I don’t know the context or the relevance to the message I have been sent.

 

It’s not just a kids thing either. One of my pals is in his fifties and he’s one of the worst I know. Scissor hands, monkey face, punch fist all while texting me a running commentary about Strictly Come Dancing.

 

Another friend of mine is all over these little emoticon things. His messages are even more nonsensical. He sent a message whilst I was out having a nice meal with Mrs Grump one evening. She returned to the table to see me in a state of confusion. We then started a conversation about the meaning of what these emoticons meant, particularly, the melon. It just had no context to anything unless you were texting someone a fruit salad recipe or a shopping list.

 

“Ask him,” Mrs Grump wisely said. So I did.

“He’s replied with another melon,” I replied.

 

So then we became, that couple. The couple who, whilst out on a date night, sit there staring at their phones. But it wasn’t to catch up on the events unfolding on Strictly Come Dancing; we already knew that someone had to punch a scissor-wielding monkey in the face. Mrs Grump and I were partaking in research to aid our discussion and learning about this strange world of emoticons. I know, riveting stuff!

 

Mrs Grump found a concise list of emoticons and their meanings. God bless Google and 4G.

 

“I’ve found a good page with a full list,” she said. She scrolled and scrolled and scrolled and scrolled and continued to do so for quite a while. “There are loads,” she said. I just sat there patiently contemplating what had driven a monkey to go on a scissor-wielding rampage and who would be brave enough to take him on.

 

“I’ve found it,” said Mrs Grump at last. “Great, what does it mean? I have to know the meaning of the melon!”

 

She stared at her screen, coming to terms with the mass of information. I could only guess that there are some things that are best left unsaid. The burden of knowing such a thing can be a huge weight to carry.

 

“The melon means….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…. melon.”

 

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